Just ONE more week until the blessed event! Can you believe it?! And sure, you’ve got the whole “no sleep,” and “random, stabbing and/or crippling pains” thing down already, but are you truly prepared to become a mother? To be sure, there are a few drills you should complete. These drills are designed to increase your resolve and agility in the days before motherhood. If completed, by the time this Bundle of Adversity is sprung on your world, you won’t even flinch!
1.) From now on, complete your grocery trips with an unrestrained baby goat in your cart. Don’t stop practicing until you are able to keep it from eating the whole loaf of bread through the plastic. I don’t know why they do that.
When the goat cries out, stop to dump a gallon of milk onto your shirt. Familiarize yourself with that sensation and don’t be alarmed by it. That’s just what is going to happen from now on anyway. You need to be able to think on your feet while soaked in dairy product.
2.) Start showering with multiple witnesses. Once you become comfortable with this, have witnesses ask rude questions about your most sacred parts, or at minimum, have them spout off bizarre and possibly offensive observations. Something like, “Your neck is thick like a kingsnake!” or “That boob is getting older,” should do the trick.
3.) Similarly, don’t move your bowels until the door has been pried opened or the lock dismantled. Make sure the toilet does not get flushed until two or more people are fighting over who gets to do it.
4.) Speaking of poop, squeamish as you may be, it is a good idea to start being more aware of the bowl movements and bladder emptying that is going on around you. Get in the habit of asking your companions if they “have pee or poop in their bellies,” and if they say “no” at intervals of more than three hours, make them sit on the potty anyway—especially if they resist or fidget.
5.) Surf the Internet while balancing sacks of flour on your legs. Your reflexes need to be tuned to intercept objects as they dive off your lap while you are barely paying attention. If you miss, it’s OK, because I was going to suggest that it is a good idea to periodically empty these sacks of flour on the couch or floor. And yes — Go ahead and use lots of water to clean this mess so the whole thing will form a concrete adhesive. Best to learn that lesson before it counts.
6.) MEALTIME with baby brings lots of changes, so ease into the transition before baby arrives: Abandon the concept of preparing a plate for yourself. Instead, eat your lunch on a child-sized plate or two. Spread out the food and mash it all together. Don’t consume until both hot and cold foods have reached room temperature. When it comes to evening meals with Dave, be sure both of you get up from the table at least 6 times. You can fetch clean spoons, refill milk glasses or sprint for paper towels. Be creative. And ALWAYS remember to give away the first and last bite of every meal.
7.) Stop going to movies. Make sure to catch the previews on TV and listen to your peers talk about movies, however, so you can feel the full force of social life leaving your body. Frequent only those restaurants that serve, “comfort food.” Red Robin, anybody?!
8.) Your “Popular on Netflix” section MUST look like this:
9.) Get those safety locks on all the cabinets now! Fumbling with plastic mechanisms engineered for maximum frustration = your new way of life!
10.) This last one is only for the advanced prepper: Place a diaper around an angry badger and give him a can of soda to shake in the crib. Once the badger has punctured the can with his sharp claws and a fountain of sticky is spraying on the walls, see how quickly you can get everything into the tub while keeping bloodshed to a minimum.
Trust me. You will need this skill.
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