Dear ladies of the universe:
A Public Service Announcement.
There are times when the faithful men of Knox County, Ohio will not be available at the moment you, the damsel, are in distress.
Should you experience a flat tire, and whereas, seeing that you regularly traverse gravel roads, and whereas, the pebbles and dust from these roads have formed an adhesive seal that refuses to let the problem tire free itself from the Honda, I urge you to carry the following items in your car for emergencies:
1.) A piece of pipe that is at least 1 inch in diameter and about 2 feet long. Regardless of vehicle make and model, getting the lug nuts off the wheel requires superhuman strength. If you use this pipe as a “cheater bar” on the end of your car’s wrench/twisty-thingy kit that comes with the spare, you will use the benefits of leverage to become juicehead strong. No jumping on the wrench in you cute shoes for hours as you pray the nuts will come loose.
2.) WD-40. You may think, “Oh, I’ve got the nuts off now and the hard part is over! I can relax and let the wheel just fall off the axle-ish thing and put the spare on! Yip! Yip!” Oh, you are WRONG. So WRONG. Because it appears that your tire rims have used the dust from the gravel roads to form an adhesive stronger than super glue. A little WD-40 can serve to loosen this bond.
3.) Fruit leathers. For the kids.
4.) Sledge hammer. Use this to wail on your rims to loosen the concrete mixture you just created with the WD-40. Expect a 6-inch pile of concrete to form under your flat tire.
5.) Bible. You should look up a passage for staying strong while encountering diversity.
6.) Pry bar. (Note: Not a crow bar.) You can channel all your baby-pushing emotional strength to pry the tire off with a “pop!” sound that will send you on your booty, with the wheel on top of you. Do not aim your body toward the road, if possible.
With just a few items, you will be able to take YEARS off the time it normally takes you to change a tire.
This has been a public service announcement from Your Teet, Inc.
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