How to feed your pigs: Late summer edition

Warning: Getting this guy dinner likely will require a change of pants.


You may be wondering how to feed your muddy, beastly hogs in the weeks leading up to their slaughter.

Here are step-by-step instructions:

Step One: Fill feed bucket with goat’s milk, food scraps, and a couple pan-fulls of pig feed.

Step Two: Approach the pig pen and ask Jesus for mercy. Bring a 21-month-old along if you feel the situation requires a laugh track.

Step Three: DO NOT JUST WALK INTO THE PEN WITH A BUCKET FULL OF FOOD AND EXPECT TO POUR IT IN THEIR FEED PANS WITHOUT INCIDENT. I repeat DO NOT DO THIS. Only one of the pigs can fit his or her head in the bucket at a time. And once the head is in, there is no amount of human wrestling that will get it out. She will either spill the food or prevent the other pig from eating and cause mass hysteria and pig fights. DO NOT DO THIS. Instead, put feed bucket down outside fence, boldly step into the pig’s pen empty-handed as if you own the place.

Step Four: Race to the center of the pen, where the pigs have pushed their big metal feed pans. This is the part where you will have to rely on the Lord’s angels.

Step Five: Once you have the feed pans in hand, use said pans as weapons to assure a safe trip back outside the pen. You only have two, so be sure to choose wisely; Use one for slapping the nose of the snappy male hog, the other for covering the vulnerable body part of your choosing to prevent the female from love-nibbling your body. Will she go for the ankle or the ass cheek this time?

Step Six: Race back out of the pen with empty pans in hand, fill two pans–one for each pig (and before curious pigs bust out of their pen!) and then place them neatly inside.

Step Seven: Try not to shout obscenities when one or both of the beasts step on one or both of your feet.

Step Eight: Spend at least 10 minutes swatting big, bulky horseflies off your piggies while they dine. You don’t have to worry that it is weird to find this therapeutic. The only person who is watching is only 21 months old.

Step Nine: Water and repeat.

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