My transformation is complete.

her given name is Pity Pat, which is surprisingly catchy.

I just bought a Lamancha! She is a first-freshener in milk to a brood of three! And she’s got papers. Bona Fide. Translation: She is an earless goat with high butterfat and sweet temperament. She had three babies in her first pregnancy (fertile Myrtle!) and most importantly, she is not in love with Seth so far.

Every time Seth walks outside the door, Rose makes like a sixth grade girl seeing Justin Bieber for the first time. Seth hates this. I don’t mind Rose’s obnoxious Nubian cry one bit. In fact, it endears her to me. Not that it would matter. She’s quiet as a church mouse whenever I go out there.

Seth wants me to replace Rose with this new lactating mama, but. The problem is: I love Rose. She is my best friend in the whole world. We both have so much in common: surprise pregnancies, early spring babies, lactation, our babies both prefer our left boob.

Not to mention the fact that I can take my time doing chores and her milk never goes ‘goatey,’ or that I was her Lamaze instructor. She was the first goat who ever let me touch her boobies—which are, by the way, perfect. And her milk? Creamy and delicious without a hint of the gros kind of goatiness. (There is a good kind of goatiness, fyi)

Two words: goat butter.

Seth thinks that acquiring this new dairy goat will put him one step closer to sneaking Rose out the door without me noticing. What he doesn’t know is that I have acquired a taste for noisy things (see: infants piling up in my living room, Seth) and that I just tricked him into adding another goat into the herd at @Six Buckets Farm.

I mean, I lived WITHOUT FLOORS FOR SEVERAL MONTHS at his request. I also MOVED TO BANGS for him. For all those times I laboriously explained to politicians where I live (Surprisingly, not many of them have ever been to Centerburg)  …and  for all those times I hurled myself over a deep, floorless chasm, climbed down ladders and across the basement floor and up again into the bathroom to pee in the middle of the night … can’t he put up with an innocent bleat every now and then?

Rose is a heavenly goat.

Just to secure my investment, I think I’ll start a Facebook group called Keep Rose Off Craigslist, and perhaps it will find success, just as Seth Should Enable His Facebook Wall captivated a global audience. Social media-based pressure campaigns are all the rage these days.

And yes, I’m milking two goats every day now. The pigs have never been happier.

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  • Anonymous

    do these comment work?

  • Anonymous :)

    Whoa!  Seth has a say in whether Rose stays or goes?  Is that a farm thing?  A mid-western thing?  A healthy marriage thing?  G wishes he had the same power with regard to my shoes.

  • http://andshebangs.com lyndseyteter@gmail.com

    I let him THINK he has a say. It’s all part of an elaborate plan of mind control.