1.) First and foremost, the blog material will be endless.
2.) That same box of tampons will last at least 4 years.
3.) Empty nest @ 45.
4.) My prenatal vitamins have not yet expired.
5.) More Souls for Jesus!
6.) More work will be done sooner on the farm. And not by me!
7.) Maybel will NEVER run out of spit-up.
8.) Three more months of unpaid leave!
9.) Return of GPOYAS. Honestly, my abdomen has missed the spotlight.
10.) BUNK CRIBS!
I just took a pregnancy test or ten. Looking back, I remember things. There was a wave of nausea, and a few strange conversations, but I just thought it was the heat. Nothing had happened to make me think I should be pregnant. No “oops” moments. Just a missing period–but I’m still breastfeeding, so I didn’t think that was too weird. So the test happened mostly because I buy in bulk and because of curiosity. (And because I like peeing on things.) When I didn’t get a positive NO, (Dear boys: That means I thought I saw a faint line) I was a bit distraught.
The line only got darker the following day.
That is not supposed to be a metaphor.
As regular readers will note, a positive pregnancy test is an important first step toward birthing a live human child. I know, because it’s something I did SEVEN MONTHS AGO.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooo Fertility God. It’s me, Margaret.
Given my previous experience, there’s a 50-50 chance that this test will result in a total of two Teter children. These children could be 16 months apart in age. That’s like, four months longer than a year.
That’s crazy, totally, hilariously insane.
I totally wigged out in the car and Seth grabbed my hand and told me he was not worried. He said Molly needed a friend. So, fine. I won’t be worried either. I mean, my sister and I are 13 months apart. And my mom isn’t completely insa—
Let me just stop myself right there.
For the record: Without going into torrid details of my sex life, I’d like to note that this was the next step below immaculate conception. The tried-and-true birth control method that kept us childless for the first four years of our marriage has failed us. It’s one that 35 million couples around the world enjoy with a failure rate of 4 percent. FOUR PERCENT. Thirty percent when done incorrectly, but we do things correctly in this house.
I’ve said too much.
Anyhoo, I can only assume that this baby, should it actually go on to exist, will most likely cure cancer or something.
So the point is:
ABSTINENCE, LADIES! The only way to be completely sure that you will not find yourself with a baby on your hip and a baby in your belly is to REFRAIN FROM INTERCOURSE. And for goodness sake: Don’t get within 5 feet of Seth “K-Fed” Teter. One look at those rugged farm hands will get you knocked up with triplets.
It’s kind of like all those myths they used to scare us in junior high are coming true inside my uterus. Can you REALLY get pregnant if you’re in the hot tub together?!?! OMG! It was kind of like that but not really like that at all.
I’m going to go buy 16 more tests at the Family Dollar. Take it from me: You can never be too careful.
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