Another trademark moment in home improvement

Re-plumbing the entire house pretty much mutes the Dead Man Walking sensation that sweeps over me when I think about returning to work on Monday.

For those who have followed our saga, you might have a vague notion that getting fresh water into our house, consumed and out to the septic tank has been a real roller coaster ride.

Now that we’ve redone all the drain work in the house and things are moving oh-so-smoothly into the (clean!) septic tank, we turn our attention to the water supply portion of The Show. As per the “there, I fixed it,” attitude of our previous owner, the house is pumbed piece-meal style with copper, pvc and even some leftover lead pipes from the ancient days. Nothing is in its right place. Everything leaks or has been routed around some imaginary object for no apparent reason. It’s a mess.

And anyone who has experienced the joy of opening up one of our faucets, or jumped into an iron-filled Teter Homestead Scary Shower knows that our water quality is … sub-par. Like, record-breaking bad. And it’s probably already destroyed all our brand new appliances.

But in honor of Molly Mae Teter, some professionals are installing a Cadillac of water softeners on Monday. No longer will her cute baby clothes be stained with rust. No longer will we have to hold our noses when we wash her bottles in the gross, sulfury s(t)ink water. No longer will we have to buy Columbus municipal tap water from gallon jugs at Kroger to cook our humble meals.

Soft, iron-free water? Here we come. I think there might even be some sort of reverse osmosis mixed in there. Very classy.

This will be me on Monday. Notice my radiant hair and skin ... presumably from using 2/3 less soap than all yall.

You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this. Even more than STAIRS!

But in preparation for this magnanimous occasion, all hell broke loose. Seth and I were down in the basement pricking around when hubba hubby noticed a dangling wire and decided to test it for hotness by putting it up against a copper pipe.

Never do this.

I cannot emphasize this enough.

The heart-wrenching snap of the circuit breaker was followed by the low hiss of water escaping. One of the supply lines had ruptured (I blame the same mosquito that shot me!) and was spraying mist all over the basement, so we decided to go ahead and rip out all the shoddy work and put it back in ourselves. Proper-like.

Today.

I mean, why not, right?

We’ve only got two sinks, a toilet, a shower and a washer & dryer to supply. Hook-up will be a cinch.

Right now, while Seth makes trip No. 2 to Lowe’s, I am prioritizing which of these amenities I would prefer to have working tonight.

I said we should finish the shower because I can pee and do the dishes in there. It’s a 3-for-1 special.

Which one would you pick?

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  • mandy

    Reading this, I don’t know how I ever complained about anything.

    You guys are amazing.

  • Jaydubs

    Next time, he should follow our friend Joel’s lead and touch the wire to a lamp plug. If the lamp lights up, it’s live! It was only slightly terrifying to witness him do it right next to our sink.

    As to the other stuff: y’all are crazy, but if you ever get tired of a being a professional writer (which will never happen, right?), you could get into the home construction/remodeling biz.

    I know you are probably dreading it–and I can’t blame you!–but I’m so excited to have you back Monday.