i am totally freaking out about going back to the News. from the moment i took the wee one out of her car seat, i’ve had this feeling of dread that time will slip by faster than i prefer. my fears are realized. two weeks from yesterday i will be at work. AT WORK!
the desperation has me weird. i am reluctant to leave the couch, for fear of speeding up time. i keep doing the math over and over again on little scraps of paper and i try to convince myself that we’ll be fine with one income. and we would be, assuming our cars never required repair, or the plumbing never broke and we never so much as took a whiff near a can of paint toward remodeling this house.
turns out we lived like RICH KINGS when we both were pulling in an income. we could tighten our belts, but i make just enough to miss it. not enough to thrive, but just enough to notice if it left. cursed gold-plated handcuffs of journalism!
also, i’m afraid. i’m afraid i’ve been out of the news too long, that my brain has turned to mush and that i won’t care to restore it. physically, i’m worried that my milk supply won’t be able to keep up with Molly and that i’ll miss her and miss her first ____. (laugh, roll, sit-up, crawl, walk, etc. etc. etc.)
it’s silly, really. i know that. these are fears all working mamas have, i’m sure. but if i pin them to the Internet bulletin board they seem to have less power over me.
but i shouldn’t have to work outside the home! cursed industrial revolution! cursed women’s rights movement!
the problem is — now, what i’m about to say sounds crazy — the problem is that taking care of a newborn is easy and fun. now, don’t tell Seth i said this because i play martyr as soon as he walks through the door. and there are times when i cry and say, “i can’t do this anymore,” of course, but relatively, when i take a step back and consider everything as a whole, this is a pretty easy and largely rewarding gig.
that statement should be qualified with the fact that i never really fully embraced the stay-at-home mom duties. meaning that i mostly let the house go to shit, and lots of our meals are cooked by other people. i only used my crockpot twice. if i was doing this forever, i’d have to work more and cuddle less. at least eventually. but i’m still in the honeymoon phase and it is all that i know.
plus, this is the best and longest break from work i’ve ever had, especially when compared to other things i’ve burned PTO for: moving, drywalling, miscarriages, funerals.
but i imagine i could go to the beach and it wouldn’t be as enjoyable as lazing around mostly topless all day, covered in spit-up, napping between feedings, skipping make-up, snacking relentlessly and playing “can you imitate mommy’s face” for hours at a time. not to mention the bad TV!
i basically get to cuddle my baby all day without a care in the world.
i realize this time is precious. perhaps i realize it a bit too much. i know that next time we do this, i’ll have a toddler in tow and that it won’t be nearly as peaceful.
alas, nothing gold can stay.
we’ll be all right. but it’s really going to suck for a minute. not because it’s bad. but because this time has been so good.
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