2009: Ladyparts ATTACK!

What a ride, huh kids? We loved and we lost. We expanded our empire and added to our brood. We fought epic battles against skunks and hawks and weeds. We did not have cancer!

I’m please to bring you my favorite Teet Tradition: The ever-more-cumbersome Year in Review. For those just joining us, browsing through your life archive is loads of fun. And it’s the best reason to have a blog.

Uninterested readers can turn this into a drinking game. Ladyparts dominated the headlines this year. So everytime someone mentions a hoo-ha, a boob or a whazzit, take a drink. I promise you’ll be wasted before April.

January:

After learning of our pregnancy in December, we suffer a devastating miscarriage, and I challenge God to a knife fight. Thankfully, he does not accept. For the entire month, I enviously plot to kill all pregnant woman who have ever lived, and I cry uncontrollably at Plan B commercials. It takes two weeks for my body to crash back down to its pre-pregnancy levels, and for the pee-on-a-stick tests to turn negative again. Emotionally, I expect things to even out any day now.

In lighter news, our rooster’s waddles freeze, and I thaw them during an intimate moment in bathroom. For some reason, our chickens are living in the basement, and they peak in at us while we’re in the shower. The poop is everywhere, but we enjoy easy egg access for a week or two.

Facebook status update of the month: Lyndsey Teter called her boss ‘retarded’ and ‘high’ — yet did not get fired. another perk of the alt-weekly newspaper business

February:

I set out to determine why God let me have a miscarriage. Emotional, physical and spiritual analysis ensues at internally toxic levels. I determine that much like salvation, there’s no way I can earn motherhood. I vow to keep on keepin’ on in the best way I know how.

I sign up for Twitter.

Our DISH is on the fritz, so Seth and I watch the entire Columbo series on Netflix. In honor of our Valentine’s Day guests, we eat at a table for the first time since we moved to Bangs. Our bedroom, however, is still in the living room.

Crankin rolls into town! We celebrate with drinks at Ohio’s best Indian restaurant.

We buy three acres of land next to our property and expand our Bangs empire. We celebrate our increased load of debt with drinks at Ohio’s best Indian restaurant.


Facebook status update of the month: Lyndsey Teter was delayed by a herd of turkeys crossing the road.

March:

A bladder infection!!

We turn our attention to life on the farm, which becomes productive. Seth begins emailing pictures of meat goats, although I never receive one. We shoot 12 times into the ground around a pesky skunk that dodges our bullets like The Matrix.

We unknowingly conceive a child and then head to Westerville later that evening to babysit my niece and nephew for Christy’s birthday outing.  I vow to write a book about miscarriage. Ben Marrison emails me about theteet.com. Jonsie is let go at work, along with a piece of my heart.

Facebook status update of the month: Lyndsey Teter hopes Jaydubs gets to the office soon son she can make some coffee for me.

April:

All aboard the Pain Train. We’re seriously pregnant again.

I assume the worst as ‘the products of conception’ attach themselves to my Uterine Wall of Horrors. Every time I go to the bathroom, I expect The End. I try to distract myself by intentionally praying for you while I’m on the toilet.

They find a huge lump in my boobie! The doctors keep saying it is “probably” benign.

We take a week of vacation, and the drywalling work cramps my hand into an unrecognizable claw. In a series of three rainy nights, 200 berry plants are put in the ground.

NKOTB, baby. I can die a happy woman.

For some reason, we have another dog living with us.

this makes no sense

Facebook status update of the month: Lyndsey Teter is right-sizing her cost structures and driving efficiencies to maximize cash flows

May:

Refill your glasses!

We begin the month with an ultrasound-guided breast biopsy! As we rapidly approach the traditional time of miscarriage, our company files for bankruptcy, like, the same day I have my first consultation with the second breast doctor about the mystery mass.

I don’t worry about any of it because I am 100 percent cooler than I was in January. Thanks, Jesus!

At the time of what was scheduled to be my first ultrasound, we learn that Dr. Charles is not in the office on Mondays, and that I would not be seeing my baby from the inside. This administrative mistake triggers a fit that begins my new life as a Customer Service Nightmare.

I hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time in my life. Inexplicably, I am still grumpy. Then there’s this:

“You just heard your child’s heartbeat for the first time,” he said. “Imagine all the women who never get to hear a heartbeat, and what they would think about your attitude right now.”

And that is about when I completely lost it totally forever.

Three weeks later, a person not-yet-named Molly Mae delivers us the ol’ forming stump up.

i asked the baby to give me a thumbs up. only the most trained eye will see how it did.

A few days later, they tell me I don’t have cancer. Everything’s comin’ up Teter!

Facebook status update of the month: Lyndsey Teter says OMG. OREOS.

June:

Gratuitous Picture of Your Abdomen Sunday is born.

I utter the words “feral cat” for the first time in Twenty-oh-nine, and chaos ensues. We lose about 20 animals in two days to two evil feral cats, and we both witness things that no one in our peer group will ever see. My mother is frightened enough by my reaction to purchase 30 new laying hens for our farm.

One morning Seth asks, “How many people do you think had to shoot a headless chicken before work this morning?” I laugh because I had Neosporined a potentially mortally wounded chicken myself.

Poison ivy ATTACKS! I get in trouble by my husband for my blog while I am at work. He demands his say.

Wire reports indicate Columbus-based photojournalist Benjamin Parnell French was in high spirits following layoffs in the Ohio newspaper industry.

Meanwhile, Lisa and Lin get MARHIED!

Facebook status update of the month: Lyndsey Teter assumes this mandatory meeting about health benefit changes will bring good news.

July, in pictures:

My uterus grows as large as a cantaloupe

I go to school for three weeks to become a State Tested Nurse Aide

Despite the recession, the Annual Hillbilly Fireworks Display in Bangs, Ohio continues as planned. No Johnsons or chickens are harmed.

Baby deer eat from the apple tree. They will set up a picnic with a couple of blue birds and unicorns later in the afternoon.

The chickens meet their maker at the hand of Amos Schwartz and his adorable Amish brood. I spend a few Saturday mornings selling their dead carcasses out of my trunk to innocent people like Andrew, pictured above.

After multiple appointment screw-ups, we get our ultrasound. Ladyparts ATTACK, indeed.

A psychic passes along troubling words from our dead baby. I have a mindfreak, which is resolved by reading Revelations.

Facebook status of the month: (It’s a TIE!!) My byline has appeared inside a cartoon cloud. I can retire.

OR!

Coyotes kept me up all night. FML.

August:

The original Tot would have been due this month. Here is what I wanted to say about that.

The baby claims my abdomen as her own and I feel very taut most of the time. We attempt to register for her, but we are not successful. I convince Seth he probably shouldn’t build a stroller. I make enough pesto to last the decade.

Moments after being kicked off a jury for his pacifist upbringing, Seth takes a gun out behind the barn and fills a skunk full of lead. Justice is slow in Knox County, Ohio.

I turn 27. We celebrate by moving our bed out of the living room. We have clothes in a closet with doors in our bedroom. It feels like I’m staying in a hotel, there’s so much luxury. Our peaceful existence is infiltrated by a neighborhood BMX biker. He is an adult riding in circles on a loud, motorized bicycle. He does not seem ashamed.

Facebook status of the month: Dear Medical Mutual: It’s going to cost a LOT MORE to REPLACE MY ESOPHAGUS than it would have to pre-authorize my heartburn prescription. I hate you. XOXO, TEET

September quotables:

"What are you going to do with 250 pounds of tomatoes?" -- A kind Amish fellow at the Mount Hope produce auction

“I don’t think you’re in the mood for yoga.” — Seth Teter, accepting a verbal assault he did not deserve.

“No.” — Dimples, my sister’s boyfriend, when I asked him to shoot our federally protected hawk within 30 seconds of meeting him for the first time.

“I  feel fat and annoyed for some reason.” — theteet upon every waking second of life.

“Have you been drinking tonight, ma’am?” — State Highway Patrolman, upon pulling me over

“It was nice meeting you Lyndsey, even if we had to communicate by talking into microphones instead of facing each other.” — The editor of ALIVE reminiscing about our EARTH-SHATTERING radio performance.

“Wait. He really brought Popsicles??” — co-workers baffled by the kindness of RightOhio.com

“I wonder if you can let readers know that September is Craniofacial Acceptance Month.” —  Public relations, in an email

she said: What’s on the agenda today?

he said: We are going to have lights in our house tonight.

she said: Sometimes you say things that are so sexy that I can barely hold it together.

Facebook status of the month: “Well, if it’s going to go in our paper, I don’t want it to just suck.” — Eric Lyttle, editor of The Other Paper

October: Putting the FUN in fundal height!

Issue 2 ruins every commute to and from Bangs, Ohio.

A cat in our cupboard. We do not own a cat.

We have a stray cat living in our house for some reason.

THE COALITION hosts an Epic baby shower in Molly Mae’s honor. We still haven’t unwrapped everything.

I have been pregnant for a year, and I’m ready to get the show on the road. Instead, we hit I-71 for about 5 weekends worth of visiting. We see the likes of Colleen Rankin, Mae Klingler and the Entire Teter Clan, including 4-year-old Westerville soccer star Jacob Teter. Birthdays were celebrated. Goals were scored. Farewells were said. Buckeyes were cheered on to victory. Strange Issue 2 chants were hollered. Cracker Barrel was eaten.

We visit Grandpa Paulus on Seth’s 28th birthday. Our time was a blessing and a gift. He told us that the most important thing in our lives was growing inside my belly. I remember that whenever I get frustrated with parenthood. We lost him at the end of the month, and we’re still grieving his life and his light.

A few days after our Halloween issue publishes, for the first time in my adult life I have the thought, “Is this grown man going to hit me?”

November:

Ken Blackwell confirms my suspicions that he has been reading my blog.
Nothing else noteworthy to report this month.

Facebook status update of the month: Water broke … In the hospital … Only 2 cm dilated so don’t get excited yet. We’re watching a little COTR to set the mood.

December:

The Lord gives us one sassy petite lady and takes another away. Grandma J passes a few days after Molly’s birth. Obviously, I am not being consulted on these issues of timing. I still worry that I’ll never have time to finish Grandma’s blog.

“Theteet” takes on a more literal meaning as I learn to blog while breastfeeding.

I am crazy, happy in love. And covered in spit-up.

Just a bit of time has passed since our self-imposed June construction deadline, but the appraiser finally walks through our home. We hope the snow gave it all a glossy coat. 2010 will bring new evaluations.

Christmas. Visitors. New Year’s Eve. Milestones! A blur!

Theteet fails to remember life as there is little time to blog. She wonders about the future. But not for too long.

Life is ... well, you get the idea.

Best of luck, 2010. May you exist IRL … but more importantly, here on my website.

Blessings to all,

Theteet.com LLC

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  • http://chaosmulan.diaryland.com jessm

    of all the year in reviews i have read, this was by far the most entertaining and great.

    my favorite part is how you watched the entire
    Columbo series on Netflix.

    if you enjoyed that, might i recommend Murder, She Wrote, starring my hero Angela Lansbury.