Let me tell you about our septic tank and sewer lines.

They are not working.

I guess I’m glad that after 12 years of apparent neglect, the drainage pipes picked November to flood the basement with sewage, and not, you know, like, January. That would’ve sucked worse. For me, anyway.

About a week ago, Seth was down in the basement, pouring bleach all over the floor and sucking up our … ummm … water waste into the World’s Second Toughest Wet/Dry Shop Vac in the History of Shop Vacs. I’m not sure why I was the one crying in that scenario.

We called Ed Sims, Knox county’s premiere septic tank emptier-person, and he immediately came out with his huge waste-toting truck and the World’s Toughest Wet/Dry Shop Vac in the History of Shop Vacs.

It appears as though the previous owners of our home misled us with some of their documentation. They SAID they pumped our tank before we bought the property in 2006, but according to Ed Sims, they actually just had the tank inspected. Clever. As far as we can tell, it had been 12 years since the tank had been pumped, which is slightly longer than the recommended 5-year time span.

You city kids will never have to know what the hell I’m talking about. Of course, you also have monthly water and sewer bills. I’m not sure which I prefer.

Ed Sims asked if our lines had been backing up, and when I nodded, he hooked this giant hose to our septic outlet about 75 feet from the porch, and it seriously sounded like there was devastating tornado inside our home.

We’ll never know what on God’s green earth Ed Sims sucked up out of our sewer lines into his magical truck of mystery.

“It could’ve been any number of things,” Sims told me. “No one will ever know.”

He told me if we had problems in 6 months or so, we should call him and he’ll recommend a plumber with a camera to investigate the lines.

Unfortunately, we started having problems in 6 days.

Brad Stafford is the plumber on call. He’s scheduled to make an appearance in Bangs in the next few days. I hope he brings good news.

It will be unfortunate if we have to dig a seven-foot-deep, 75-foot trench under our foundation and out to the septic tank to replace a decades-old clay pipe. That would be poor timing.

The internet said it can be a $5,000 fix, and that’s not good for the maternity leave savings. But we’re getting pretty accustomed to these thousand-dollar hits. We are good at adapting.

Plus, I have some laundry I’d like to get done. Being able to flush the toilet is also handy. However, I’ve heard you don’t have much time for showering after a baby comes, so we won’t have to worry about that.

I’m sure you’ll all stay tuned.

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  • crankin

    i have jugs of water in storage… i suggest that you do the same. currently, i am packing away 20 liters… there is only one of me. you might consider 50-60.