Matt Naugle has a heart of gold.

I can’t remember how long it has been since I accepted Matt Naugle‘s friendship on Facebook. Since then, I have had the opposite experience of PD columnist Connie Schultz. I think both Schultz and I are probably flattered by all the attention, however. I mean, who doesn’t like to be singled out on the World Wide Web?

If only Connie Schultz had known the links that her blog could have wracked up if she would have pacified him.  And if only she knew the joy of having a personal blog, I guess. That, too.

But anyway, sure.

Sure, Matt Naugle begrudges a woman’s right to vote and sure, he made a living for a brief time in his life trying to convince the world that Ted Strickland was gay, seriously SO GAY!,  and sure he makes poorly timed jokes upon encountering pretty ladies. Oh, and sure, he posts stuff that politician’s ex-wives said about them 10 years ago for no reason, and sure, he talks about forming political PACs against otherwise wonderful people. But I need you to stop being so nit-picky.

Because Matt Naugle is adorable.  I’m telling you. He has a heart of gold. I’m not sure if that’s how he would prefer to be described, but I cannot help it.

Once, when I was supposed to meet him In Real Life at lunch that I thought was on a different Friday than had actually been planned, I heard from others in attendance that he had brought Popsicles for me because that it what is missing from EVERY RESTAURANT IN TOWN. That is basically like firefighter-level of heroism to a pregnant woman.

This could have been YOU getting Matt Naugle’s Popsicles, Connie Schultz!

And no matter where you fall on life’s political spectrum, for all the grains of sand that make up Matt Naugle’s beach, you’ll occasionally stumble across one that is made of truth.  The crazy kind of truth that you don’t want to be the truth but, holy shit, when you think about it, HE MIGHT BE RIGHT. FUCK!

Of course, I’m not 30 yet, so my political skull is not fully formed. I’ll listen to anything.

But all this is part of the reason why we have recently come to an important decision here in the Teter household.

What I’m trying to say, and I don’t mean to do this so publicly, Matt, but that’s been the nature of our relationship.

Seth and I want to adopt you.

We want to you to come home with us — to Bob Ney’s country! — and we will pay you to be our farmhand. I feel we could provide a comfortable, much more decent, Christian living for you. We also have a DSL line for Internet access that’s 10x faster than dial-up!

The Knox County Board of Elections couldn’t tell me the percentage of registered Democrats without running a report that takes 10 minutes, (IT IS SO HARD TO BE A NORMAL AND GET INFORMATION!) but the best part for you is that our county party lists only THREE Democrats as serving elected office.

You could also be a constituent of Sen. Sherrod Brown.

Plus, the state of Ohio recently has certified me professionally to wipe asses, so you can grow old and loose control over your bladder and bowels with confidence.

Let me know if we’ll be switching gears here with the nursery.

For those who do not know who Matt Naugle is, I will leave you with a moment well-documented by Ohio wonka bloggers:

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  • AM

    Uhhhh, Teet, I’m pretty sure he’s already a constituent of Sherrod Brown since he represents the whole state in the U.S. Senate…

  • theteet

    SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH!

    You’re totally spoiling my sales pitch!

  • the good sweatpants

    Yeah, most people don’t know or care to know that Matt is actually a very nice guy.