*names have been changed to protect a marriage
My friend was kicked out of jury duty this morning because he was never spanked as a child. Later, he called his mother to thank her. Who knew this was a perk of sparing the rod? It is a bit embarrassing, he admitted, when you’re removed from a jury by name and you have to sulk out of the courtroom in front of everyone.
“We don’t want that guy! Get him out of here!”
It’s like being picked last for dodgeball. And then being kicked off the team and told to go home. Apparently the defense was worried that my friend was some sort of pacifist, or someone unwilling to inflict pain on another life form.
Little did they know my friend would go home to blow the head off of a skunk.
Because hours before that, we woke up with a skunk in our live animal trap.
You might be thinking, “Live skunk in a small wire cage, huh? Now what?”
I know, right?
Here’s a he said/she said to break it down:
my friend: You know, a wolverine will destroy your flesh with its razor-sharp teeth.
my friend: A skunk’s defense is: “If you come over here, I’m going to be really, really stinky.”
theteet: Well, it works. He’d have be dead a long time ago if it weren’t for that stink.
my friend: I know.
theteet: Do you think it was The One … Does it look like the skunk that gnawed on all our chickens and framed the weasel? Or is he an innocent bystander?
my friend: There is no such thing as an innocent bystander.
theteet: True. <Remembers freeing a feral cat from the same trap. Regrets mercy.>
theteet: What’s he doing out there?
my friend: He’s eating his last supper. <a half rotten chicken carcass, some leftover Chinese food. bad Chinese food. a half can of tuna.>
theteet: I feel bad for leaving you with this.
my friend: It’ll be easy. I’ll just throw a tarp over him and hook up a hose to the tailpipe. Problem solved.
my friend: If that doesn’t work, I’ll strip naked and run out there and shoot him.
theteet: If that happens, you’re going to need to make sure I’m there to see it.
My friend shot the skunk until he died around 11:30 a.m. He went for the rifle because he put a tarp over the trap, and the sleeping skunk didn’t seem to have any idea what was going on around him. So he shot him in the head. There was a tiny puff of stink, but nothing like what this poor creature endured when she simply sniffed in the general area of the skunk several months prior.
Justice is slow in Knox County, Ohio.
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