Mindfreak

Forgive me father, for I hath dabbled in the black magic.

If I wasn’t a blogger who regularly plasters every minute detail of my personal life all over the Internet, my good Christian sensibilities may just have been offended.

I’ve been interviewing several local psychics for a completely fun story for work, and most all of them stayed out of my personal life vibrations — or energies or intuitions or magnetic cycles or what have you — during the interview. Others did not.

One psychic offered that I could sympathize with her recent injury because, being pregnant, I probably knew what it was like to not be able to move around as easily as you normally could.

Okaaaaaaaaaaay… I’m listening. I mean, no one would be able to find THAT out unless they were One with the spiritual relm …

She asked if it was a boy, and I said no, in fact, we had recently been told we were expecting a girl. She said, “That’s weird. I’m getting a really strong male presence. Do you already have a son?”

I said no. This would be our first child.

As soon as I said it. As soon as I said it.

She paused for too long and I was like DO NOT SAY IT DO NOT SAY IT DON’T SAY IT DO NOT SAY IT and then she was like, “You lost a pregnancy, didn’t you?”

FUCK. WHATEVER LADY! SHOW ME A WOMAN WHO HASN’T LOST A PREGNANCY!

I told her I had, and she said it was making more sense to her and that there was a really strong male presence around me from this child, and that he would be with me for the next few days. I did not tell her that Original Tot has a “due date” coming up in 5…4….3….

RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT I was all, “Okay, shut up lady, and let’s get back to channeling the spirit of former Columbus Mayor Jim Rhodes!” but she went back to it, only this time she offered that we’ll have another son, but the spirit of our dead child is “gone and never coming back.” Hi. Thanks.

The worst part was whenn she told me that he wants a name. He wants to be a “guide” for us but we have to give him a name. Apparently, Original Tot is not sufficient.

This led me to have a small mind freak.

I mean, once she said “boy,” then she had to cover her ass somehow, and women normally have other children or miscarriages or dead husbands or dead male relatives because men always are dying on us, and she would’ve probably gone on down the list until she hit something close to home, but now.

Now I feel like I have to give Tot One a NAME because somewhere in heaven, there wanders a soul whose parents forgot to name it. Maybe it has to have a number or something because we were so neglectful.

The good news is that our little girl will be very strong-willed and artistic. We are going to have a challenging year, but nothing like what we’ve had the past few years, the psychic told me.

I forgot to ask her if Jesus told her to say all this stuff.

Don’t get me wrong. She was a very sweet woman. She probably thought she was doing me a favor by telling me that my dead baby is watching over me, by telling me it was a boy and helping me give it an identity. But if she doesn’t honestly believe that she is channelling the spirit of my dead baby, and is just asking a series of questions until she gets lucky, I just feel like that’s kind of mean.

I just called to talk about dead mayors.

Oh, hogwash.

I’m just mad because apparently I’m 0-2 on guessing the genders of my unborn children. So much for mother’s intuition.

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  • Kingpen

    Hmmm. My cynical nature makes me believe the mean old faker has read your blog a time or two, kiddo.

  • Merlin

    ‘Psychics,’ grrr. The harmless ones are good at figuring out our vulnerable spots and exploiting them, and if there are ones that have actual power, it doesn’t come from a place I want to be a part of. If clairvoyance is a gift from God, why would they ask for 39.99 to take a peek at your hand?

  • Pingback: The Original Tot would have been due tomorrow. « every two weeks