I don’t think this means I should get a new doctor :)

I am a theist, and my burden is often to stumble across various reasons that things happen—or at least the lessons within them. When I say them out loud, I always feel foolish. It’s awkward to admit that things mean something. Even small things. But I prefer to live in a world where they do.

Saying that God is pulling the strings to get my attention always sounds egocentric. But he is capable of multi-tasking. And worrying about sounding egocentric has never really stopped me before, now, has it?

Anyway, I think there are two things that God uses most often to teach us stuff. No. Three things. Yeah, probably three. He likes to work in threes.

1.)      Death (See: Chickens, Jesus)

2.)      Waiting (Known as the distance between the time you want something to happen and the time it actually does happen, which can be fruitful if you let it.)

3.)      Humans (Especially humans who say things that initially make you feel enraged but actually turn out to be true.)

I am a victim of No. 2 today!

For me, there is a pattern in this pregnancy of waiting, being let down, enragement at the doctor’s office and then this part. This is the part where the Teet who recently lost a baby sneaks back into my head and examines my thoughts and actions and shakes her head in disgust. I would punch me in the face if I were still her.

I think about that time in January that I drove back from Dublin with a completely different ball of rage. I remember that despair, and I know there are women going through that right now. There were probably some in the waiting room at the OB today. And if they heard me bitch about a rescheduled ultrasound?…I’m so sorry. I suck. I forget. And I suck.

Eventually I will learn that I have no concept of how lucky I am to be in this situation. And when I do,  I can more quickly abandon plans to murder, or at least be grumpy. Tasmanian Tot keeps reminding me of this every hour or so with a slap or a kick or an elbow or whatever stump he or she uses to beat on my uterine wall.

God is like a needy boyfriend (one who can give you eternal life in paradise, fortunately) and is always finding some new ways to bring me back to him, where there is peace and understanding and well … there’s not much rage-ahol. It’s what our pastor calls our “innermost selves.” I think that might be a Methodist thing. I need to remember that I don’t have to be completely broken, lost and emotionally devastated before I can hang out with the Lord, who gives perspective. But it takes training.

I mean, if I had spent ANY time thinking about what would happen if they didn’t use the flashy sound picture thingy on my belly that day, and what it truly meant in the long run, (Nothing.) then I probably wouldn’t have wasted an hour of my life being upset. And this can apply to a lot of other situations, I think.

I’m cool, baby. I’m zen. I’m blessed. I haven’t forgotten. I’m thankful.

I am writing this for someone. It might be you.

And tomorrow, the chickens are scheduled to be executed at 8 a.m.  So expect a lesson from No. 1.

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  • rachelmccoy

    Well said. Fantastic perspective. How soon we ALL forget that kinda stuff.

    (feel free to disregard that FB msg I sent you earlier)

  • http://monsterbeard.tumblr.com Monsterbeard

    I don’t mean to be the debbie annoyer (by which I mean, of course that’s my intention) but while I agree you should have patience and gentleness and by golly THANKFULness for where you are now, that doesn’t excuse the fact that your OB/GYN office (OFFICE! not DOCTOR) sounds completely incompetent.

    And even though bad things come in varying degrees and generally we should all assume that whoever you meet has it worse off than you (I think Plato said that or something), I don’t believe that you just have to accept the stupid actions of other people as God teaching you something beyond patience.

    To be fair though, it’s not entirely beyond your capabilities to make out the incompetence of said office to be worse than it actually is.

    What I’m trying to say, in so many words, is that even though Dr. Charles and Flighty Laura may deliver tens of thousands of babies each year and they all blur together behind a sterile face mask and rubber gloves, it might still be nice to go somewhere where they care when you’ve been skipped over in the information process of having your own baby.

    And even though no one said sorry, you’re fortunate to have the right to sue said office for 18 years plus 2 years after the birth of your baby, and you can probably make a boatload of money claiming emotional distress on the day Flighty Laura wasn’t there to tell you the gender of your baby resulting in “sadfaces” all around.

  • theteet

    You’re right, Monsterbeard.

    After discussing these things with my peer circle, most have concluded that clerically, I’m near the point of finding a new practice, if I haven’t reached that point already.

    Someone said it perfectly, and that is: For me, breaking up would be much more of a hassle than just staying in the relationship at this point.

    I mean, it’s only temporary. And the people who are making these weird scheduling screw-ups ARE NOT going to be the ones who are pulling a kid out of my body. Hopefully.

    I’ll just stick this out and find a new place for the next tot, god willing.

  • theteet

    EDIT: I am researching my options.

  • Jaydubs

    I sort of like the idea that you changed your mind about staying with your Doc or not 60 seconds after you posted that comment. ;)

    Times like this make me glad to be an agnostic, so I can moan and wail and shake my tiny fist in anger and annoyance with my fellow humans, rather than have to be accepting of their foibles and holding the belief that there’s some sort of lesson in all of this for me. (I’m kidding. Sort of.)

    Anyway, I appreciate your PMA, but seriously, in copays alone, I would start getting ticked off, if I were you. I think that’s reasonable. So yeah, might not be such a bad idea to look at some other possibilities, even if it does seem like making a switch now could be a bit of a hassle.