In just three weeks, I can be certified by the state of Ohio to clean your grandmother’s taint.

Let me pause for a moment in honor of the email my mother is about to send me to chastise me for being crass, and another for the deep regret my mother-in-law will feel for allowing her son to marry such a harlot.

 But the truth is, if you have 14 free evenings and $350, you, too, can properly wash grandma’s … err … become certified as a Nurse’s Aide in the great state of Ohio. With this certificate, you can work in nursing homes on the weekends for extra cash. You can also apply to nursing school. You can’t do either of these things without this certification.

And because of the physical nature of the skills associated with this certification, you also can’t apply if you are overly fat with child. Or at least that’s what I learned a week ago, long after all the summer STNA courses had filled up at every college in America. Luckily, there are private institutions that offer such classes, and there was still a space for little ol’ me to plow through the course.

I have signed up for the quick-and-dirty version, which means I’ll be working all day and attending classes down the street from my office until 10:30 at night from June 29 until July 16. Done before I’m 20 weeks preggo. Let’s get it going, people.

Don’t tell Eric.

I received the testing booklet for the course, and literally, the first skill is “Washing your Hands.” The skills intensify all the way from belting and moving folks from bed to bed to changing bedpans to washing, well, you know.

Reading through the book was a nice reminder that somewhere in the world, someone is caring for my own grandmother in this way, and perhaps other people’s grandmothers, and they all are receiving little to no recognition for it. There is no more direct way to impact a human soul than to feed or bathe someone who is unable to do so themselves.

I know because I have benefited from these services myself, and I have watched my family members benefit. Well, not watched–at least always. I have seen the goofy grin on my grandfather’s face when he finally got a cool sponge on his back. And I shaved my sister’s legs. Some people think doing these things is gross. I think it brings indescribable comfort and joy.

But I fear that my current career, which has me in the habit of taking credit for everything I produce, will have me signing my byline on each patient’s rear end.

This Geriatric Labia is Clean

By Lyndsey Teter

Oh, the blogs. The blogs. These patients will be lucky to have me in their lives.

In conclusion, at a certain age, we all lose any sense of modesty. I can’t wait for that day to arrive.

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  • lmariea

    I hope you remember you have an obligation Friday, July 3. Don’t be forgetting, missy!

  • Jaydubs

    If this post is about cleaning people, why do I feel so dirty all of the sudden?

  • mom

    You make me so proud. The title of this entry really drew me in. My only question is will you be certified outside the State of Ohio?

  • Monsterbeard

    “The Geriatric Labia” is actually my post-punk band’s name. Weird coincidence.

  • kingpen

    If you are going to become a medical professional, you must learn the proper terminology.
    It’s called a hoo-ha.

  • Angie

    I thought only boys had taints.

  • theteet

    angie, i’m glad you asked.

    several readers have asked me privately, but you are the only one with the cahones to say what everyone else is thinking. :)

    In human anatomy, the perineum, also known as the “taint” is generally defined as the surface region in both males and females between the pubic symphysis and the coccyx.

    In simpler terms, for men, it is the area between the anus and the scrotum. For women, it is the area between the anus and the labia.

    I know this from reading about childbirth classes online, and from the movie “Baby Mama,” where Amy Poehler asks if it is too late to rub oil on her taint while she is in labor.