do you want to know what it’s like to get an ultrasound-guided breast biopsy? OMG you do!?! great! i will tell you.
first, they wash you off and the doctor uses a permanent marker to X his spot. briefly, you are reminded of that scene in Pulp Fiction.
they stick you with the numbing needles. no biggie. then they bring out the coring needle, which looks like a mix between a hand blender and one of those long grill lighters with an end on it that’s shaped like a fountain pen. you are like, “oh, shit.”
you’re relieved when they bring out a scalpel, and pierce the area where they are going to jam it in. otherwise, you would have been worried about the physics of getting in in there.
when they jam it in, they use a Pulp Fiction amount of pressure. you feel a little something, like someone is standing on your chest. but no pain. no stinging. easy as pie. you are thinking, “why can’t i feel this? it really looks awful.”
the doctor tells you to bear with him, he “needs 5 more cm” of jamming. he says “wow, we’ve got a tough one,” and you feel like you are, except you can’t feel a damn once of pain, so you feel a little guilty.
you are then amazed by watching the grill lighter on the ultrasound machine as it approaches a dark blob on the screen.
they say “those look light great cores” as they pull out the pieces of skin that this little tunneling mechanism brings out like a very small apple corer.
you are like, “why thank you, doctor.”
when it’s over, like man marks the moon, they put a pink ribbon clip inside your boob to mark the mass, presumably to brag for whomever gets in there next. my cores are lovely this time of the year.
they put pressure on your boob for 5 minutes, they steri-strip, and they send you on your way with an ice pack in your sportsbra.
you go watch cheesy girl flicks at the dollar theater with your mama, who insists on making the 1.5-hour trip to be at the clinic with you. you down a big gulp, and four gallons of popcorn. you use her maternal instincts against her, convincing her to buy you a purse. you stop at the petshop. and starbucks. you realize it’s way too late to go to work. oops.
biopsy is the easiest thing ever. you’d have one every day if you could!
nothing hurts until 4 hours later, when it feels like you have pulled a muscle. you feel like the hard (?) part might come a little later.
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