so, i’m rapidly approaching the traditional time of miscarriage, we’ve got our first ultrasound next week, there are rumors that my company is shutting down, like, tomorrow, which is the same day i have my first consultation with the second breast doctor. also, we have no money, and everyone knows that the cars MUST break down when finances are tight. the house, the garden.
i should totally be freaking out right now.
but you know what the weirdest part is? i’m not.
i learned a lot about worrying the past several months, and the past several weeks in particular. i’ve been paralyzed by it, but i can feel that people are praying for me, and something snapped last week at church. so, thank you.
bad things hurt, and pain is a part of life, but i can’t help but think how much cooler a person i am than i was three months ago.
there are moments of panic in there, for sure. but today, for example, i was walking along the sidewalk and i realized that the list of potential pitfalls in the next two weeks was running through my head when i bumped into an apple tree blossom.
the smell was so incredible that i stopped the brainfeed, picked off some blooms, went over to the hammock and was truly thankful that the greater drama on the earth is already over. that jesus christ died for my sins, and he has claimed victory over this world. i remembered bible verses promising there will be troubles in the world, but he has overcome.
seriously — who does that?!
there is such strength found in weakness. and i’m blessed to have been through it, and i’m honestly, for maybe the first time in my life, confident that god won’t put me through anything else unless he’s got something even cooler to show me. i feel protected. which is a long shot from where i felt a few months ago. attacked and afraid.
i am totally in a pregnancy-induced insomnia-related rant right now, but i feel unflappable. and the good kind of unflappable. the kind that has less to do with my awesomeness or my ability to overcome and more to do with surrendering myself and my ladyparts to god. who rocks, by the way.
i’m sorry if this is annoying to agnostics. cynics like me really get a kick out of these moments of tenderness. of honest hope in an invisible person. must. embrace.
p.s. – as a sidenote, since this whole ‘ask and you shall recieve’ thing is working pretty quickly, next on the list of teet character development is: ‘think of someone other than yourself.’
i am trying to think beyond my own life. can you imagine?!
i am praying that god will show me — preferably without medical intervention — how i can set my brain to re-direct thoughts about my own troubles toward … gulp … other people. like, putting them above me, even. does anyone know how this is possible? i could use feedback.
they say religon is for the weak-minded, after all.
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