i hope this can be us one day

i hope this can be us one day

mae said this once. but when she said it, it made made me realize that it’s exactly what i’ve been unknowingly torturing myself with for the past 4 weeks. she exposed it to light and it is unhappy. how dare she, quite frankly. the nerve of some people.



i’m done analyzing the physical ramifications of every beverage i sipped, every food that touched my lips and every piece of lumber i hauled into the dumpster —  yet there is no cause isolated. sadly, none of these proved deadly for my tiny womb monster. 

so now it’s on to the spiritual.

there must be something missing in my character. a flaw. an incomplete formation. something that needs to GET DONE before i’m prepared to be a mother. an incomplete checklist. maybe something malfunctioned while i was in the womb? and THAT THING must be the REASON that god did this to me.

so i will commence the internal scan, i will quarantine the problem and i will earn my father’s favor and this will never happen again. 

no prob.

 frankly, i’m a little embarrassed. i don’t know why i didn’t think to do this earlier.

here is the list of character deficiencies i have come up with in after few minutes of self-examination. all come with a specific sin or instance in my mind. some have come with deets listed here on my blog:

  1. flaky — i will commit to anything, even if i smell a future conflict. i assume that Future Lyndsey will work out the details. turns out she rarely does.
  2. selfish — i love to love me.
  3. lazy — i like sitting on the couch after work. i have NEVER, not once in nearly five years of marriage, gotten up out of bed before my husband.
  4. crass/vulgar — some words are unavoidable, i’ll tell you. they just provide a certain spark. especially in my business. and especially, for some reason, when juxtaposed with my physical appearance. plus, it helps you relate to me.
  5. liar 
  6. lust — sorry, steter. it can’t always be about you.
  7. secretly competitive — i can’t win outright, obviously, so i want to reel you in slowly, and rip you down when you’re not looking. and then slam your face into the pavement. especially other chicks. what’s up with that, anyway?
  8. slob — see No. 3
  9. prideful
  10. doubtful 
  11. snide
  12. snarky — is this the same as snide?
  13. manipulative — read: “Reporter”
  14. weak — why does she asks permission before buying the more expensive brand of cookie dough?
  15. angry
  16. indulgent 
  17. impatient 
  18. funny — especially when YOU want to be serious
  19. greedy
  20. catty
  21. judgemental
  22. arrogant
  23. timid
  24. envious
  25. prone to encourage discord — read: GOSSIP!

mae doesn’t comprise anything on this list, and she isn’t specifically referring to sin in her life, but here is what she said about the thing in her that exposed another thing in me:

 I live as if I believe that there’s something I’m either not doing, saying, attending, believing, ignoring, wearing, praying, understanding, etc that is keeping me from being pursued. It reminds me of some kind of spiritual bingo. I’ve filled up my free space and all the other spaces. Now if I can just hear G-12, I win the prize and life can get really interesting.

now, there’s nothing wrong with a nice round of self-examination. don’t get me wrong. but mae and i both know, and we’ve been at it for so long but we just can’t alwasy feel it, that god has seen us in these moments (OMG — even no. 6? that’s so embarrassing) and that he loves us NO LESS when presented with footage.

he has watched as i’ve plotted to tear down women who threaten me. he’s watched as i’ve been disingenuous right to that poor man’s face. he has seen me swear like a sailor, question his wisdom and run back again and again to those things i think will help me feel better but never seem to do the trick. he has watched me feel genuinely surprised that i don’t feel better after an all-night binge. the frenzied grabs. yet he chooses not to smite me. in fact, he chooses to LOSE HIS OWN CHILD FOR ME. WTF.

don’t talk to me as if i’ve never lost a child, teet. he told me that pretty much the instant that it happened. god is always trying to one-up me.

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

that’s the NIV.

but here is mr. peterson:

Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.

what i’m saying is that it does not depend on me being ready. it does not depend on me being worthy. it just happens. right on time.

and i am never going to EARN motherhood. in the way that i’m never going to EARN my own salvation.

and so I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin.

 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 

that’s in the bible, too. but i was afraid you’d stop reading it if i put it in blockquotes.

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  • Mae

    What an amazing way to start the week. You just took everything I was thinking and made it make sense! Just another reason I love you.

  • lmarie

    *raises hand* me too. This summer with the anxiety/depression … Why do I feel like crap all the time, God? Obviously I’m broken in 5 million ways and totally don’t deserve to feel good. It’s punishment, of course, for being such a horrible person.
    *sigh* My understanding of God is so screwed up. Add that to my list of things wrong with me.

  • colleen

    this is ridiculous, i know, but we need to talk… as in talk talk, like the face to face kind. this talk must be about god, and life, and life and god.

    i am serious.


    For what it’s worth, LT, the preacher-man mentioned a verse Sunday morning that has had me walking with my head up ever since… maybe it’ll do the same for you.

    2 Timothy 1:7
    “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”