Today is the day that we were supposed to have our first ultrasound. Today we were supposed to be out of the first trimester, and out of the danger zone.
It’s weird about dates.
We found out Dec. 4. We had our first appointment Dec. 22. We lost the baby Jan. 5. There are other dates. But Jan. 21 was supposed to be ultrasound day.
I wonder how many of these dates we’ll remember a year from now or five years from now. The only date left is Aug. 4, which was to be the due date. Remember the miscarriage in our family that I spoke about earlier? That baby was due on Aug. 4, too. We are doubling our fun.
I’m normal again because people have been comfortable enough to ask: When are you trying again?
– Which is a funny phrase to me. In any other death, you can’t have a do-over. That’s what makes miscarriage less devastating than any other loss. Can you imagine? You’ve lost your friend or family member. When are you trying again?
Maybe it can work with a cat or a dog … you can always get a new kitten or a puppy. But what of a fetus? It’s not disrespectful to move on quickly to the next one, is it? It sounds like a dramatic thing to ask, but I’ve been blessed with a different perspective.
So the next thing is: Are we emotionally ready? Are we physically ready? Can we get pregnant again without being a nervous, inconsolable ball of mess every second of the day? Can we get pregnant again at all? Should we call the whole thing off an pursue adoption? There are a lot of pre-made children already out there. It would probably be easier on the environment if we just bought one of those. Maybe we should settle for goats?
Should we take the time we’ve been given? Do we want to reconsider the timing? Do we want to have a baby in 2009?
In other words, I have no idea. We have no idea.
I’m sorry. I wish we could give a more concrete answer for you. But we have no idea.
The only thing I know is this: Every single plan we’ve ever tried to make regarding a baby has been useless. We’re at least 0-2. So maybe we should stop trying to plan for a while and just go with the flow. What happens will happen.
But if we take that route, if we go with the flow, it’s possible that that one day I’ll get another positive pregnancy test. And I have no idea how I will feel at that moment, should it ever happen again. Will it be horror? Regret? Fear? Happiness? That feeling you get in the movies when the girl runs up the stairs instead of out of the house? Pregnancy is no longer a predominately joyful thing.
What I meant to say was: We have no idea. I’m sorry I don’t have a more concrete answer for you yet. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if we didn’t have to think about it every time we lie down in bed at night.
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