the thing about dates

seth took this picture on Jan. 5.

seth took this picture Jan. 5.

Today is the day that we were supposed to have our first ultrasound. Today we were supposed to be out of the first trimester, and out of the danger zone.

It’s weird about dates.

We found out Dec. 4. We had our first appointment Dec. 22. We lost the baby Jan. 5. There are other dates. But Jan. 21 was supposed to be ultrasound day.

I wonder how many of these dates we’ll remember a year from now or five years from now. The only date left is Aug. 4, which was to be the due date. Remember the miscarriage in our family that I spoke about earlier? That baby was due on Aug. 4, too. We are doubling our fun.

I’m normal again because people have been comfortable enough to ask: When are you trying again?

– Which is a funny phrase to me. In any other death, you can’t have a do-over. That’s what makes miscarriage less devastating than any other loss. Can you imagine? You’ve lost your friend or family member. When are you trying again?

Maybe it can work with a cat or a dog … you can always get a new kitten or a puppy. But what of a fetus? It’s not disrespectful to move on quickly to the next one, is it? It sounds like a dramatic thing to ask, but I’ve been blessed with a different perspective.

So the next thing is: Are we emotionally ready? Are we physically ready? Can we get pregnant again without being a nervous, inconsolable ball of mess every second of the day? Can we get pregnant again at all? Should we call the whole thing off an pursue adoption? There are a lot of pre-made children already out there. It would probably be easier on the environment if we just bought one of those. Maybe we should settle for goats?

Should we take the time we’ve been given? Do we want to reconsider the timing? Do we want to have a baby in 2009?

In other words, I have no idea. We have no idea.

I’m sorry. I wish we could give a more concrete answer for you. But we have no idea.

The only thing I know is this: Every single plan we’ve ever tried to make regarding a baby has been useless. We’re at least 0-2. So maybe we should stop trying to plan for a while and just go with the flow. What happens will happen.

But if we take that route, if we go with the flow, it’s possible that that one day I’ll get another positive pregnancy test. And I have no idea how I will feel at that moment, should it ever happen again. Will it be horror? Regret? Fear? Happiness? That feeling you get in the movies when the girl runs up the stairs instead of out of the house? Pregnancy is no longer a predominately joyful thing.

What I meant to say was: We have no idea. I’m sorry I don’t have a more concrete answer for you yet. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if we didn’t have to think about it every time we lie down in bed at night.

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  • Meryl

    I can see how a second attempt would be daunting, and even more nerve-wracking if you are successful. I’m hoping things clear up for you guys.

    Dates, or “girl math,” as I have heard them called, stick with me, too. We’ll all be here for you August 4!

  • jessi

    I think you should only have sex in your garage from now on – that way you wont associate the bed with the scary “trying” – and you can go to sleep in peace. It’s pretty easy to stay out of the garage most of the time. You can even stop calling it the garage and call it “the sex room” instead.

    I am a genius.

  • Jaydubs

    I am such a jerk … you are writing about pretty weighty stuff here, and all I can think of is ribald jokes to write in response to the last line of your post. I am 12.

    Anyway, I don’t think you should rush to answer those questions you’ve posed right away. I imagine until things settle down a bit, your answers would likely vary from day to day, moment to moment, no?

    I have to say I am sort of surprised that people would ask you if y’all are ready to embark on another pregnancy yet. Because, well, first of all, it really hasn’t been that long. And second of all, I dunno, even though you’re writing about it here, I’m sort of the opinion that asking someone if they’re trying to get preggers just isn’t appropriate. If you want to make it my business, you can tell me, but otherwise, it’s inappropriate to ask. I could probably phrase that better, but you get the idea.

  • theteet

    … which reminds me, jaydubs.
    when are you going to try to have a baby? ;)

    i think it depends on how close you are to the person. if you’re not close, well, people are just curious. it’s like when someone gets engaged, the next question is “have you set a date yet?” it’s just what you ask, i guess.

    i think i’m going to start answering very specifically, like, “today during lunch. probably doggie style,” or “later tonight. i think i’m ovulating because my cervical mucus is egg-white!” just to see what the reaction is. intimate questions deserve intimate answers.

    jessi – i like your idea. we have a 4-car garage, so there’s plenty of room. plus, it’s DETACHED. we never go in there. the only problem is that we’d have to share our intimate moment with 4 hens and a curious rooster …. (!)

    meryl – thank you. girl math. i’m going to steal that. i think you are great, which reminds me … i need you to teach me to upholster furniture.

  • Jaydubs

    Dude, I’m not going to *have* a baby, I am going to pick one out of the Cabbage Patch. Just wait ’till spring comes ’round and you see my lil’ dimple-cheeked, butt-tattooed babe.

    Anyhoodle, I agree, you should totally skew toward TMI. That’ll learn the Nosy Nellies.

  • MoDLin

    I’m sorry for your loss. People can mean well, but they can sometimes throw harpoons when they think they’re giving hugs.

    There is no set timeframe for you to be “OK” with what has happened. You’ll get there when you get there. Some people have found the March of Dimes bereavement kit helpful. If you’re curious about it, you can read about it or even order a free one at this link:

    Take care.

  • Jaydubs

    I couldn’t resist posting and saying that this–”People can mean well, but they can sometimes throw harpoons when they think they’re giving hugs”–is one of the more insightful things I’ve read of late. So very true.