one week later. an update.

at least i’m not talking about chickens or barack obama or marathon training for once. i mean, right?

how long are you going to let me do this? 

if it’s any indication, the doc gave me two weeks until my body resets itself to NORMAL mode.

she gave me a few pregnancy tests, and, strangely, when my PLUS turns into a MINUS, i can expect to get control over my feelings again. and we can start trying to conceive again. which, to me, sounds sort of like getting back in line for the same roller coaster. only the wait is 9 months. and instead of getting to ride the roller coaster, about a quarter of the way through, you will be attacked by a bear.

SIGN ME UP.

crying is down to only once or twice per day — usually at night. if it strikes during the day, i don’t even stop what i’m doing to finish. i just let it flow. carry a tissue in your pocket, and hope that you’re not reading when it hits. 

Plan B commercials are particularly notorious. and why are there pregnant woman in that mattress commercial?! plus, the song list on the way home from the gyno, as i’m scanning to get away: (I’m NOT LYING!): Clapton’s Tears in Heaven, God Bless the USA (?) and Ace of Base (All that she wants is another baby).

as a woman who hasn’t ever been particularly hormonal, this part is actually kind of funny. it’s like this blog is writing itself sometimes.

emotionally and spiritually, i could list five concrete and very specific ways that god is showing me directly, without question, how he is bringing good from this garbage dump of a situation. most of this is due to people being vulnerable with me. and it’s annoying only because i’m trying really hard to be mad at god right now. and it’s harder to pretend he doesn’t exist and doesn’t care for me and doesn’t have our best interests at heart when he so clearly does. plus, seth and i have never felt so supported in our lives. we are feeling the love.

i have been asking people to pray for me specifically that i would not be consumed by fear.

see, i have always thought of god as a protector, but i do not feel, albeit on the surface, “protected.” i fear that god will take something else i love away from me just because has established that we will tolerate his cruel plans.

cause i love a lot of people in my life. i am lucky that way.

and when i express these fears to seth, he is loving and correct when he points out that these people could be taken away from me at any second. loving god does not guarantee that won’t happen. in fact, it sort of suggests those sorts of things could happen. there will be trouble, remember? but we are to take heart. because one thing is constant. only one thing is guaranteed.

and instead of spending my days worrying that these Other Things will be taken from me without adequate preparation, i need to make sure that the One Thing is strong. i need to make sure i fully appreciate each second with the Other Things i have during my relatively short time with them.

(and as he says these things, i am comforted. surely god will not take away someone who can speak so wisely and clearly to me. see, god. i plea. seth is an important part of the Lyndsey-God connection. it really would be a good business decision if you were to keep him around for me.  at least until we are 80 or so. you know. return on investment.)

Other Things v One Thing. that is a hard lesson in this.

and ALL THAT CRAP THEY SAY IS TRUE.

sigh.

so far, life has been anything but boring.

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  • MERLIN

    We pray for you every day, friend. Sometimes it’s tough accepting the One Thing and remembering that the Other Things actually matter, but usually they find a way of showing you.
    Remember to feed your chickens!

  • Kelly

    My husband and I just lost our little one two days ago, and I found your site on the whattoexpect.com site. I wanted to say thanks for writing your blog, I am feeling a lot of the same things you are. The anger, the hurt everything. Anyway thanks.