i am the green one. 

here's a hint: i am the green one.

as a Public Service Announcement, here is an exact transcript of my thoughts during a follow-up trip to the OBGYN. it should be noted that normally i consider myself to be a somewhat graceful individual (please see any column i ever wrote about sexual predator laws) but i’ve decided to show you how weak my character is so that you may — well, we’ll go over that in a minute:


a note to every single pregnant woman ever:

i hate you.

i cannot stand to look at you. especially when you are complaining about your morning sickness, or your back pain. oh my god — your fingers are swollen!?

fuck you.

you do not know pain. you do not know discomfort. you do not know how lucky you are. and you NEVER will.

it’s one thing to IMAGINE losing your baby. and it’s another thing entirely to flush your baby down the toilet. and then you have the nerve to say “oh my gosh, i know how that feels because i’m growing a baby inside me right now.”

that’s like saying, “oh, your dad died? well i just visited my dad this weekend, so i totally know what you must be feeling.”

no. you know exactly what i’m NOT feeling.

stop pretending. i am a member of a secret club. and you — especially you — will be turned away at the door.  you are a sack of shit. good luck through the first trimester, bitches.


now listen, all pregnant woman ever. this is not your fault. this has nothing to do with you or your baby. this is about me and my issues. this is, ultimately, a lesson in loving your neighbor.

you see, i was really looking forward to making my own kid. in fact tonight, seth and i just finished the ceiling and the wall upstairs, and the Area Formerly Known as The Nursery looks so cozy right now. i wish i was still making a baby to put in it.

the thing is, i want one. really bad now. every chemical in my body longs for one. but it requires a lot of time and patience and planning and waiting and healing, and you might not even have stopped bleeding from the last time you tried to make a baby.

so right now, this whole baby topic? it’s is a pretty sensitive issue. and as you well know, being pregnant is an all-consuming thing.  there is barely anything else you can think about while it’s going on inside you.

but at the end of the day, you are MY neighbor, and actually, i want to love you, too.  i don’t want you to feel like you can’t let words come out of your mouth that are related to the most consuming, exciting, wonderful thing you’ve ever been through. i want to be joyful with you. ultimately, i want to mourn with you over your swollen fingers. but my character has not been built up to that yet. 

and in the meantime, i’m trying. i’m trying real hard. i need you to do the same.

be sensitive. 

be careful with your words. especially the complain-ey ones. especially the ones that don’t seem to consider who else is in the room. especially those that don’t seem to consider anything at all but yourself. 

think of others. and if you’re not into that, then consider this: the good news for you is that not only do you have something that other women want very badly (women love hearing that, right?!) but you also have the POWER to keep a woman who is feeling okay from morphing into one who is crying while devastated in the bathroom.

and you don’t like to crush people, do you? you wouldn’t want YOUR daughter to feel such sadness, right?

let’s get that maternal instinct kicking in now, shall we?

protect me.

this has been a PSA from theteet.com

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