it’s queers again.

i have officially developed Straight Guilt. due to circumstances beyond my control, i have become keenly aware of my Straight Privilege, and it breaks my heart on a regular basis. i hope this does not turn into a regular feature here at theteet.com. there is more to life than gays, after all. first a note:

Dear Straights:

please do not leave the sanctity of your christian marriages to walk a few miles in the shoes of a gey. eventually, teh geys will turn you into a sympathizer.

Dear Geyz :

this is a choose your own adventure.

if you are saved by jesus, turn the page. leave and go kiss someone of the same sex. but please do something about the gay jesus fish.

if you are an unchurched heathen, (approximatly 85 percent of theteet readership) please continue reading:

it’s time for rappin’ religion with theteet. grab a boombox. we’re about to jam.

i have good news.

now, this is serious, so pay attention. it is recommended that you close all other browsers.

when i’m not swearing, being lazy or selfish, i go to bible study. have you read the book of ruth? it is a very sexy book with lots of girl power. straight girl power, but nonetheless.

fyi: a lot of scholars say the whole ‘lying at the feet’ thing was a euphemism for getting it on. (oh yeah–that’s premarital!) i was not aware of this until recent, steamy conversations at bible study. it will clear a lot of things up when you read it. trust me.

anyway, the book of ruth is about ruth.

it turns out that queers aren’t the first group of souls that God’s Chosen Soldiers have become angry or disgusted with.

ruth was a moab. the Israelites generally hated the moab people. they were a sinful people, the Israelis said. to bring one home, or, lord forbid, to allow your son to marry one, was taboo. they were banned from worship.

i dont care if youre margionalized. this is unacceptable. i expected more from you.

i don't care if you're marginalized. this is unacceptable. i expected more from you.

this is because it was thought moabites came from incestuous beginnings. according to the Wikipedia and the Bible and theteet.com (the Holy Trinity of Truth), Moab was the son of Lot through his eldest daughter, with whom he had a child after the destruction of Sodom. you know, your favorite city.

the story of Moab’s incestuous conception may have been intended to relegate the Moabites to a lesser status than that of the Israelites. i think i read that in Wiki, too.

but then there was a famine or some sort of economic crisis in Bethlehem, and some of the jews loosened up a little bit. one Jew even moved to moab to find food. her name was naomi.

but the book of ruth is about ruth.

ruth was a Moab. she married Naomi’s son, who was an Israelite. (gasp!)

he died.

here is an historically accurate transcript of their conversation to finish the story:

Naomi: oh, crap. my husband and both my sons just died and i have no heir. i’m also menopausing seriously hard right now. i’m totally effed.

Ruth: i’ll leave my homeland and roll with you back to Bethlehem, mother-in-law. even though they might frown on me because i’m a moab. hope i don’t get raped in the gleaning fields! whatever. it’s cool.

(enter) Orpah: Hi, Naomi. Like Ruth, i am also you daughter-in-law, and i know that you’re in a real tight spot, but i’m out. have a safe trip, ladies.

so ruth and naomi rolled back to Bethlehem with the Jews, and ruth did some pretty crazy things to make sure the old lady was taken care of. she worked in fields, proposed to a rich dude, and they got married and had a son, which Naomi sort of just took from her, as i understand it.

then that baby had a baby and that baby had a baby and so on for a little bit, and then that baby had a baby that was jesus.

what i’m saying is: BE WARNED, GAYS.

while the religious people of the world shun you, god isn’t really buying the hype. in fact, he’s using you. he has a history of using marginalized people to do crazy-great/selfless/fearless/holy things.

what i’m saying is that if someone says you’re sinful or bad, that gives you, like, a 45% higher chance that you’re going to see a burning bush or something.

seriously.

don’t be caught unprepared.

don’t be Orpah.

what?

read ruth and call me in the morning.

i am just worried you might miss out on this because i am under the impression that some of my brothers and sisters, whom i love, have said mean things to you, shunned you, tried to un-gay you through prayer or held up signs indicating that you would burn in hell. please have patience with us. we will come around.

i know the religous people are giving you plenty of material and making it very easy for you to distance yourself from god and from church (see:theteet.com). but at the end of the day, jesus will not buy this hype, either. THEN you will burn in hell. not for the gay thing, but for the other. there‘s the happy ending.

seriously.
this goes for you, too, AGNOSTICS~!

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  • A. Noneemus

    Sigh.
    Are you sure Obama lost that poll you had awhile ago?

  • theteet

    why do you hate god, phil?

  • A. Noneemus

    Too judgmental.

  • http://senorcoconut.diaryland.com Michele

    Nice work with that one.
    (I kept reading even though you tried to weed me out there at the beginning).
    Go Ruth, yeah!
    I’m currently learning a lot about White Guilt, so we’ve all got our own.