ISO Online Husband.

I feel very alone on the Internets.

My husband doesn’t believe in Blogs or Social Networking. He thinks it’s a curse on our society, and that every man, woman and child who participates in that sort of behavior is, in a nutshell, either an idiot, a busybody or an egomaniac desperately seeking attention and validation through online interaction. (I hope a loyal reader will comment below in a way that indicates this is IN NO WAY TRUE and that we DON’T NEED EACH OTHER FOR VALIDATION!!!)

In other words, the day that Seth Teter updates his “status” and lets the world know what he’s doing on Facebook is the day that hell freezes over.

Knowing this, I created a Facebook profile for Seth and immediately he had, like, 10 friend requests and two notes posted on his “Wall” and I thought if I showed him this, he would be enticed into the game. But I have ulterior motives.

Frankly, although my relationship status says “Married,” I am quite jealous of those people who can say “Married to …” or “In a relationship with …” and then you can click on the profile of their husband or wife, etc. etc. Occasionally, lovers will send notes and “Gifts” to each other, and then the world can know that they support and love one another. It says, “We live together, but we still think of each other when we’re bored during our 9-5s and we’re happy and in love.”

My Facebook “News Feed” is full of these kinds of updates. It’s the equivalent of sending flowers to the office. You can make everyone envious of your successful relationship. And isn’t that what it’s all about?

But as of now, I’m married to no one. And it looks like it might remain that way.

My Facebook Strategery did not work as I had planned. Seth’s first official act once I passed along his password and user ID was, in a nutshell, rage and disbelief, followed by immediate deactivation of his spankin’ new Facebook profile.

An utter failure.

I knew this would happen, and I’m glad I had the foresight to refrain from linking my profile to his and marking my “relationship status” as “married to Seth Teter.” Heaven help me if I had to suffer the humiliating broken heart icon that inevitably would have shown up on my friends’ “News Feed” when Facebook found out my husband had deactivated his account.

I have shared all these feelings with Seth, who still is holding out on me, but I did receive this message, which will have to serve to make you all jealous for now:

Here’s the deal. I deactivated my facebook account, but I will create my own Web site. Because I love you so.

In the meantime, I am searching for an online husband.

I like the fact that my husband, in real life, is better than Social Networking, but virtually, I’ve had just about enough lonely nights here and on

If there is anyone out there who would take my hand in Online Marriage and send me notes and gifts so that everyone can know that I am adored, I will happily look at your application.

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  • Merlin

    I vote you try out this guy. We could all use a sugar daddy, you know…

  • mandy

    My husband wouldn’t be able to find Facebook with the address, so I feel you. He feels the same way about it as steter does, so I too am jealous of all the linking smug marrieds on there. And he wonders why I kept my maiden name.

  • Steve

    my wife also refuses to create any sort of facebook or myspace profile.

    you are both short, brown hair, drive hondas and use macs…so think about it.

    “Married to Steve Weeks”

    It might work; my offer is at least one wall posting a week and two gifts a month. We can also swap applications that we like.

  • theteet

    “Married to Steve Weeks”
    sweet lord. what would mother say?

    Brady and Yost are fierce competitors, assuming that Mandy was asking my hand in marriage. which, why wouldn’t she be? we’d be like the montagues and the capulets. the wolfes and the …. ACNs?

  • Nick A La

    I just don’t see “Teter A La Torre” being a possibility, even in the virtual world. I know Teter wouldn’t be the first name but putting your real first name with my real last one would just be awkward. Wait, A La Torre isn’t my real last name anyway, just one you call me so often I’ve begun to think it is.

  • Meryl Williams

    Goodness, everyone wants to online-marry you, look at all these comments.

  • jessm

    well, i understand, facebook is 50% evil as well as 50% good.

    anyhow i thought you would like this: