colleen’s going-away party: or how i learned to love gays

i hope you thought that was funny.

it was really good to see everyone last night. i love remembering with you, and hearing your new stories. i still refuse to believe the one about the cats painted with the face of charlie chapman. and russia? seriously? what? also, thanks for being in my wedding. there was at least one crucial bridesmaid missing. i’d really like to see pictures of her mangled feet.

as i become settled in Knox County (where the coffee shops spell Rwanda R-O-W-A-N-D-A) it has become clearer to me that there is a great divide, maybe even moreso than Red v. Blue between rural and urban people.

they do not understand each other.

whether it is guns or gays, as one who is straddling the divide, i must say that there is a lot of uneccesary fear on either side. if you’ve never had your hands on a gun or a gay, you’re much more likely to fill in your own harrowing narrative. although arguably, guns have ruined more heterosexual marriage-family units than gays ever will.

still, people are terrified.

but as for you, urbanites, you suddenly hate traveling by automobile, which is a sensitive issue for me. if you don’t live within walking distance of your work, according to NPR, you don’t get to spend as much time with your family (you hate your kids), you spend more time burning gas (you hate the earth) and you spend less time exercising? (you hate your body). 

while i do agree that theteet’s carbon footprint is slightly oversized, my husband and i make up for our transgressions by growing our own food. can you imagine the packaging and the shipping and the labor we’ve saved? i’d be curious to see how much of a dent that makes in our carbon budget. anyway, you can’t really do that in the city. and there are no jobs in the country. the suburbs are the worst of both worlds. 

that being said, rural dwellers, stop whining about gas prices. you made your bed. lie in it.

Jon Stewart frequently speaks to these rural v. urban tensions, only he equates the entire midwest, the ‘heartland,’ as ‘rural.’ he makes fun of the media for referring to the midwest as the common man’s america, and then his New York audience laughs and applauds wildly, because they think their votes are being written off as less important than the working class types.

but that west virginian woman on the show the other night, though. the ‘i’ve had enough of that hoo-sein’? that’s hilarious. “West Virginia’s new slogan?” stewart said. “No Interviews Please.”

but some of us are educated and trying to live sustainable yet simple lives, you may cry into your television. look at our arts scene! we read the newspapers!

i forget where i was going with this.

i think my point is that we need to walk a mile in each other’s shoes? don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched? a bird in the hand is worth a bushel of smaller birds? oh, and that i effing hate it when jon stewart panders to his audience. he has become everything he hates.

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  • jessm

    yeah dude

  • Sweet T

    Umm… Did I say anything inappropriate or was I judgmental? I feel like there weren’t many other city folk at the shin-dig… does that mean I said something jerk-like? I hope not.

  • theteet

    my blog spammed my own comment:

    no no no no no, sweet t. that rant was inspired by an anti-gay comment i heard at kroger and a story i’m writing for work.

    i should have addressed that above.