dawg pound

Hey — How ’bout them Brownies?

I can tell you one thing about them. I went to their game this Sunday, thanks to some sweet (free!) tickets from my father’s company. The Johnsons’ attendance prompted the franchise’s launch into the Wild Card spot or slot or whatever you crazy sports fans call them or whatever. Obviously, we are huge fans.

Speaking of sports fans: Some of them can suck.

Of the 70,000 or so humans at Cleveland Brown Stadium, we sat in front of the two drunkest fans in attendance.

For a majority of the time, these ladies saw fit to discuss their sexual escapades with the Houston Texans defensive line (in terrible Cleveland accents!). Although the quantity of football players slept with remains unclear, the quality was thoroughly described.

Houston’s NO. 91, for example, boasts five sacks, which is the fifth-highest total in the NFL among defensive tackles. He apparently also tore up the insides of one of these ladies with his over-sized penis. Who knew? Gross. Things weren’t as bad for me as they were for Seth, however, as he was “like, the tallest guy in the stadium,” whose shoulders served as a resting spot for the most obnoxious of the two. During defensive drives, she yelled “Noooooooooooooooo!” while offensive drives were punctuated with “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Seth can do a great impression. Thank God for those few peaceful minutes during the third quarter, when one of them went to thank someone in one of the suites for giving her the tickets (oh, Lord.) while the other one sat down and passed out with her head in her hands.

The weather was perfect, and the football field was much smaller than the kind they play on in TV. We were practically sitting on the field. Two beers and two hot dogs set you back $21.50, (or $117, according to Dad) but the atmosphere was pretty cool (sans our girlfriends) and I’d love to visit again sometime, maybe next time with more tailgating and less Local Heroes restaurant. (Don’t go there.) (Trust Us.) 

Pictures, as usual, are forthcoming.

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