know your audience

I’m sorry for being so cryptic earlier, and I’m sorry to keep saying this, but it’s really, really mean to give a young dumb person space in the newspaper. Especially if they are a girl and have no idea what they’re saying and no time develop a point. Every week!  I’ve read the Lantern. I’ve seen what can happen.

Today a smart older gentleman asked if was old enough to know about world war two and I think he was serious.

Because it’s inevitable that I’ll say something dumb and piss everyone off and then, as comments keep rolling in weeks later, some guy will be literally crying about his dead Shitzu on the radio and my husband will grow tired of talking about it because it’s his job to make sure that people don’t think that way, too and then I’ll blog about it again and my friends will get sick of reading about it and my co-workers, well, they will grow tired of it quickest of all, so I’ll be forced to go to a happy hour with friends I haven’t seen in a while and it will come up, I’m sure, when they ask me how my new job is going and when i tell them for four hours they’ll leave me half drunk at the bar and at about 10 or so I’ll drive home drunk and end up killing someone and there i am suddenly, in jail. and I’ll probably develop a drug problem. and do you know how hard it is for a convicted felon to get work? so I’ll end up in construction or I’ll have to repair roofs or something for a few summers to help make ends meet and one rainy, slippery afternoon I’ll fall off the roof and there I am.

a paralyzed, alcoholic felon. with melanoma! (from sun exposure.)

 it’s just mean.

AND, on top of all this, our CARBON FOOTPPRINT is SO BIG and we COMMUTE so LONG into WORK and my CLOTHES were made in SWEATSHOPS and my FOOD was made with GREAT SUFFERING and my ENGAGEMENT RING was probably made with a CONFLICT DIAMOND and my BULLDOG came from a BREEDER and my SEPTIC SYSTEM is probably INADEQUATE ACCORDING TO EPA STANDARDS and the RUNOFF from the FARMS is killing the FISHES and URBAN SPRAWL and my LAWN MOWER uses GAS but ETHANOL is DRIVING UP THE COST OF FOOD and the POOR can’t afford CORN FLAKES and every day CATS are being EUTHANIZED and INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION and BOVINE GROWTH HORMONES and U.S. AMERICANS are ignorant of MAPS and MYFACESPACEBOOK and in COSTA RICA we saw the ROPE that the WORKERS would use to SWING ACROSS THE RIVER to get the GUAVAS and for the GUAVA JELLY  sold in the INTERNATIONAL SECTION at GIANT EAGLE and that poor man’s SHITZU

seth could write maybe the best collection of short stories ever from anecdotes collected while working a few summers with our Home School District Maintenance Crew. There was Eddie, who became enraged when some teens drove over his freshly paved blacktop job which inspired in him one of the best quotes uttered by a mortal.

“Why is people so dumb?” Eddie asked, arms resting on the squeegee thing he used to spread the hot black stuff around the high school parking lot. “Now I understand why people kill people.”

Well, I don’t know, Eddie, why people is so dumb, but I, too, understand why people kill people.

In an unrelated incident, Eddie brought home second place but this time there was a wood shed and a pitchfork and a warning.

“Now you be ready,” Eddie said, “because when that groundhog comes outta there, he’s gonna be spittin’ mad.”

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  • jessm

    i’m picking up what you’re putting down.

    it is like you took the words right out of my mouth.

    way to be.

  • Anonymous

    You’ve been given a big responsibility but you’re good at it. Next time you’re down, just pick of Cat Tales. Seriously.

  • Experimental Dater

    Best. Rant. Ever!