maybe the worst post ever. *Now with more swears!

i wish i wish i wish

i had my new cell phone handy to capture Maybel’s little prank. It may also have served as the last footage of her happy life on earth.

Let me preface with a separate story. As I got in the car last night, Seth informed me that he received a call from a collection agency RE: a $700 bill from Colombia Gas of Ohio.

It seems that despite calls we made informing CG of O of our pending move and our need to shut off service at 59 East Arcadia Avenue, a gas employee never was “let into” our apartment to walk down to the basement to shut off the service. The unfortunate circumstance here is that NO ONE EVER CALLED US TO TELL US THAT WE WERE PAYING TO HEAT AN VACANT APARTMENT FOR MORE THAN A YEAR. OF course, they claim to have sent repeated notices to the house that stopped paying its gas bill, but we never received those notices.

They did not shut off the gas until May of this year. We moved and called them to shut off the service in May of 2006.

I am so full of rage typing this right now that I can’t see straight.

The C*N**U*K*R customer service rep who talked to me on the phone informed me that because my name was on the bill, I was responsible for the charges — not the property owner — IRregardless of the fact (YES! SHE SAID IRREGARDLESS!!!) that the dumb a-holes put the meter in the basement instead of outside where they are supposed to exist.

It seems they had no problem offering the courtesy of a phone call once we had racked up a $700 bill.



The woman basically hung up on me and would not answer me when I asked repeatedly whether there was a method to contest charges. The saddest, most maddening thing about this is that Colombia Gas did this to us the last time we moved into a new apartment, and ended up charging us for service in both places.

If you deface or steal any property that you later find to belong to Columbia Gas of Ohio, please contact me so I can come over and pee on it.

I’m not sure what will happen with this $700 charge, but I will contest it until the day I die. (Which, from what I’ve heard from other people, is the most likely scenario) F**KST*CKS!

Anyway, so after that delightful conversation, I get home, walk upstairs and find Maybel the Pig hunkered down in the closet, surrounded by a large pile of taffeta and pearly, lacey sorts of materials. Maybel had pulled my wedding dress down from the closet, shredded the garment bag and peed all over my dress, a.k.a., her new nest. She also had jumped on the bed and peed all over the comforter — soaking everything down to the mattress.

Damn teenagers.

The Pig-Pig eats my wedding photos and the Pig-Dog takes a giant piss on my wedding gown? WTF, animal kingdom?

Poor JWray innocently shared a heartwarming story about a farm she visited in New York, maybe like this one, where they rescue factory farm animals– which means they remove them from the hands of some idiot farmer or farmer hand or other non sequitur – and take them to a different farm where they can live out their days, walking over to licking Jaydub’s hands with their slightly maimed leg or beaks. They die of old age.

I am having trouble reconciling two truths in my head: Compassion is great and should be nurtured and encouraged. But cows make lousy pets! As for 300-pound pigs — they’re even worse at it. I mean, you can ride them, but barely.

I am torn. I already know how the animal kingdom feels about me (see related story above). I need to make up my mind how I feel about them.

I will never, ever defend someone who is an a-hole to animals. But I think that they are mainly here to serve us, but we need to appreciate them more than we do. God didn’t ask for all those slaughtered lambs for no reason. Killing an animal is a sacrifice, and I’m uncomfortable with the way they line them up and shoot them in the head on a conveyer belt.

However, I do not feel bad for killing our pig. In fact, I feel slightly better when I’m eating my pig than when I’m eating store-bought pig. I know that pig had short, happy life and died an appropriate, timely death. He served his purpose and I believe that whoever made me and Seth and Maybel and the Pig would agree it was an honorable process. Kill and eat. etc.

Ok, fine.

In other words, if Maybel wasn’t such a dynamite cuddler, I would eat her, and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. Also, I’m starting a Rescue Orphan Farm. We’ll start with some of those cleft pallet kids.

Maybe JWray can offer some advice?*

*about my reconciliation. not about acquiring children with cleft pallet.

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  • crankin

    this was an outstandingly enjoyable post. i am sorry about your dress. i agree that you shouldn’t feel bad about killing and eating the pig. i don’t think the animal rescue farm is a good idea.

  • Megan

    All ur RSS R belong to us.
    I’m in ur feedburner, readin ur jokes.
    I can has Teter?

  • Pdawg
  • Pdawg

    I would like to add that Columbia Gas of Ohio may not realize they have just angered a person with access to many thousands of eyes of readers in Central Ohio… and that maybe perhaps bad PR will change their minds…

    personal vendetta anyone?!?!?!

  • jessm

    sad times dude, sad times

  • Bill Melville

    You know Joe Meyer’s line about never mess with someone who buys ink by the barrel? Remember that with Columbia Gas … now you’ve got me wondering if there’s not still an open gas line on Arbor Village Drive.

    Have I ever told you how many times I’ve tried to find a few good recipes for house cat? It’s off the scale.

  • mandy

    You poor thing! Now THIS is the saddest story ever told. I might be down a dog if one of them peed on my wedding dress. Those things are expensive! And my girl dog does like to sleep in the closet where it’s stored…I better keep a close eye on her.

    Also, congrats on the use of F**KST*CKS. I’ve never heard anyone use it besides my husband. He’ll be so proud!

  • Jaydubs

    I think your and Seth’s treatment of Percy was, for the most part, an example of the best case scenario for what happens to animals that later become someone’s meal.

    My religious understanding is limited, so I’ll just say this: I think that if you (this being the grand you, not simply The Teet) believe God created animals mainly to serve us, then it would seem to be in keeping with biblical teachings to treat them humanely and cause them as little suffering as possible.

    I think that people (and I include myself in this) are too far removed from the source of their food. Sure, there are situations like yours in which you know that the animal lived a relatively good life before slaughter, but I would say this is the exception, rather than the rule.

    The Farm Sanctuary is home to animals who have received some of the worst abuses possible from human hands, such as the cow whose owner tried to yank her out of her mother’s birth canal using a chain wrapped around her legs and powered by a tractor, or the pigs who were left in a metal tractor-trailer in the hot sun for hours while the driver drank at a local bar — in that instance, only 40 or so of the 144 pigs that were being transported survived — and they are now at the sanctuary. I don’t see how giving animals who have experienced such suffering a chance to live out the rest of lives in a place where they are free to roam and interact with one another is a bad thing.

    And no, cows don’t make great pets — but I don’t see why we have to regard every animal as either a potential pet or a potential meal.

  • Jaydubs

    And derr … all of that said, I think you should string Maybel up by her toenails — or at least make her pay the dry-cleaning bill.

  • Merlin

    I feel the need to chime in on this one, as someone who actively goes outside and kills animals with guns (and only the ones that I intend to eat).

    I don’t necessarily think animals were put here to serve us – I think they were put here for the same reason we were, so that the earth isn’t just a big hunk of rock and dirt, so that there’s a little action to it.

    But the fact is, we can eat them to survive. Just like other types of food, meat is good for us. Incidentally it’s good for a lot of them, too, so when one of them eats one of us… bully for them.

    But just like Jaydubs said, that doesn’t mean we should mistreat them. We don’t need to cage and not feed them, or beat them, or scare the bejeezus out of them to no purpose. They deserve as much respect as anything else in nature.

    But some of them do taste pretty good.

  • theteet

    i am so excited about this conversation!

    I think that my No. 1 mantra in life, to quote the ‘Dubs, is that we are FAR REMOVED from our food sources. The same can be said for our clothes and our cars and our Internet access, etc.

    The damage is great.

    Not only do we respect animals less, but we also have lost a sense of community — which is a christian buzzword designed to stand in for a much larger idea. It basically means relying on quality interaction with humans in everyday life. It does not mean buying shiny magical packages of ground beef from Kroger.

    This ignorance and lack of connection leads not only to animal cruelty, but it also leads to the other extreme. If a lack of respect brings cruelty, then I think a lack of understanding brings other distortions, like thinking that animals are capable of complex human emotion. The Disney effect.

    (Much like our ability to weasel ourselves out of a situation. It’s whats separates us from the animals. Except for, of course, the weasel. He thinks he’s people. Other Simpsons quotes, etc.)

    Here’s my beef (get it!?) with the Farm Sanctuary, for my dear JayWray to dispute (because isn’t she capable of such gentle and thoughtful dispute, people? She’s would be a natural in a Nav Bible Study. I’ll tell Bev and Matt Hale.)

    Those 40 pigs WERE wrongly subjected to cruelty.
    That’s bunk, and that man should be punished. There is nothing wrong with the piggies living out their days interacting with one another on a peaceful farm — i just feel like there is a better option. I feel like maintaining 40 pigs — once you’ve fed them and grown them to their adult size — is sort of wasteful and that the pigs should be slaughtered and fed to people.

    The farm sanctuary people should use the money they would have spent on feed and care to rescue more pigs to eventually slaughter them and feed to non-vegetarian homeless people. That is just my utopian idea.

    But why, then, would you continue to buy dog food to sustain Maybel? (not to mention doggie life vests!) Isn’t that hypocritical?

    I think that animals are here to serve us in the sense that we are here to serve god. (uh-oh!) There are all kinds of circumstances in the bible where the thing that is the servant is elevated above the thing it is serving.

    We probably shouldn’t pray to animals, but each one has its purpose. A pig’s purpose, unless it’s roaming without fences in a forest somewhere as a wild boar, is to have a LOT of meat on its bones for eating. Or to to be Some Pig, as the story goes. Maybel’s purpose is to get excited when I get home, to be hilarious and to be Buzzed by Seth.

    Some are pets. Some are meals. Some are transportation. Some pollinate flowers. Some eat mosquitos. Some aerate the soil. There are a million different ways that they serve us. Some are even fish!

    Animals, I think, have thoughts that are very differently than humans. They think — and i’m getting this from people who write papers and who also live with and work with and study animals on a regular basis because i’m too disconnected to know what’s real or what’s not — in the ‘now.’

    the 40 pigs don’t harbor resentment for the man who was drunk and left their friends to die in the trailer. They don’t think ‘wow, i’m so glad i was rescued and now live in these great conditions.’ They don’t wish the same happiness for other pigs. Their heartbeats don’t even increase when they see a line of pigs in front of them being slaughters. They think ‘i want food’ or ‘i want to fight that other pig and dominate it’ or ‘i want to hump this thing,’ or ‘oh,shit, all four hooves are not on the ground so i think i’ll squeal.’

    That is a reality that is lost because we don’t all raise our own livestock, i think.

    But as samuel jackson said, i’m tryin. i’m tryin real hard. to be the shephard.

    If I had to choose, I think that hands down, I’d rather hang out with someone who thinks that animals can solve Pi than someone who hits a happy hour with a trailer full of pigs.

    I want to know what you think again.

  • theteet

    also, HI MEGAN.

    your tiny hands … they’ve got the CLEVRS!!!!one!plxkbai!!!!one!!!