I’m the only one who will talk to me.

I have a problem.

Part of the ‘best night of sleep in a while’ included popping a couple Benedryl just before dinner. In anticipation of the drug’s effects, I purchased an energy drink with our sushi Sunday night. Having difficulty maintaining a state of awakeness on the drive into work, I cracked open the can of Jeff Gordan’s 24 High Octane SuperCool Orange Tangerine Energy Supplement Extravaganza at about 8 a.m. Monday.

Now it’s 3:45 a.m. Tuesday, everyone is asleep, Arrested Development is looping through its third season, and I am comparing Britney Spears’ various MTV Video Music Award performances throughout her career.

Did I mention that I did two days of work and left the office at 8:30 p.m.? I couldn’t stop editing letters.

Having worked at the ‘Bucks for a full year, I am somewhat immune to the effects of caffeine. This is unusual. And I’m not jittery. Perhaps it was the ginseng? Or the taurine? Maybe something far more sinister?

Regardless, I am worried about the state of young people. The MTV On Demand does not bode well for our nation’s youth. A sampling of song titles:

Gimme More 

Big Things Poppin’ (Do It)

Crank Dat

Smack That

Drivin’ Me Wild

Clothes Off!

In Da Club

Do it!

and, perhaps most offensive of all:

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

Now, not only are we too lazy to earn sex through a relationship, we’re not even willing to use full words to get it! Damn kids and their text messages. What if the kids become more interested in the sex and the noise and this ultimately trumps their desire to create meaningful tunes? They probably said this about Elvis.

Every time I accidentally watch TRL for the first time in a few years or months I become instantly terror-stricken for U.S Americans. We are dangerously close to the scenario Seth and Ryan always mention — it usually involves a Lazy Boy with one button we push to feed ourselves and another we push for Orgasm. Or it could just be 4 a.m. and I’m totally crazy, either way. 

In other depressing cultural news, Wikipedia suggests that someone has stolen my idea for an ironic soundtrack. Damn you, 1997′s I know what you did last summer. At least I’ve still got dibs on “Drifting too far from the shore.”

If I don’t make it through the night, please play this at my funeral procession. And please make sure that several of these hairdos will be in attendance:

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  • Anonymous

    How do I know the button works so well? Because I use it…and I just did!

  • http://mymiddlenameisearl.blogspot.com Merlin

    Ralph Stanley makes my little corner of the world a little brighter.

    And I know how you feel – I too am familiar with 3:45 a.m. on Tuesdays.

  • http://chaosmulan.diaryland.com jessm

    dude, i think that that song and those hairdos are something we all hope for at our funeral.

  • theteet

    how is jessm?
    i don’t know …ALASKA.


    is that you ryan?

    lin, i knew you’d be on board, godblessya.

  • c-a-t

    everybody knows i’m the guy towards the end with the mustache. everybody.