so i’ve had a whole bottle of wine

and The Winner is still not funny. Damn.

Seth and Maybel are asleep, so I’m going to email Crystal Davis some pet pictures. What does this tell you about me?

I promised I’d recount a blog-worthy moment in Johnson Time as I learned from a recent hospital visit. Know ahead of time I will not do it justice.

While in Ohio on a whirlwind nursing home/hospital tour, my anonymous cousin shared a hilarious tale about her time in the hospital with her mother — hey! — who is also my aunt Lynn!

Anyway it seems that after some cancer treatment a few years back in a hospital in Texas, the doctors told Aunt Lynn they would not let her go home until she … well … they call it a “BM” a lot in the hospitals. Knowing how much my aunt wanted to go home, after lengthy discussion, planning and meat-touching, my aunt’s devoted daughter ‘faked it’ with some Salisbury steak and some prune juice.


There was a moment in time (right after “look nurse, I went!” — as I understand it) that the lady grabbed a glove and made her way toward the bathroom for confirmation.

“She’s sampling. We’re busted,” my cousin thought, but alas, the nurse was simply using the gloved hand to flush the toilet. The jig went unnoticed, and they let Aunt Lynn out of the hospital without a BM.

This story is priceless.

And Amanda and I thought we were rebels when we hid her stool softener pills in my jean jacket…

Much thanks to the fam who traveled by plane PLUS a 2.5-hour drive one way to come hang out with us at Riverside. You guys are 100-percent rock stars.

Speaking of, this guy gets 17 golden stars. I don’t think I’ve been to the hospital and not seen him. I have high standards for my little girl, William Jay. You are quickly making your way up the charts of sisterly approval (because I know how much that matters.) Now if we could only get your Trivial Pursuit and/or Taboo and/or Cranium scores up, you’ll totally be 100 percent in compliance. I’ll make you some flash cards.

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  • Anonymous Cousin

    Wow. Subtle ;)

    Was SO good to see everyone! Glad to hear the patient is sprung.