’cause you had a bad day…’ Vol. II

Our pig was scheduled to be slaughtered around 1 p.m. on Thursday. When I got a call from Seth around 2:30 p.m., I took it as a bad sign that I could hear my little piggie grunting in the background.

From what I understand, it took about three hours longer than planned to coax the little hog up into the trailer. (He has always had an aversion to slopes.) But after several hard-boiled eggs, some chips and more than handful of marshmallows covered in A1 SteakSauce (his favorite) he eventually got tired and went to take a nap inside the straw-filled trailer.

Seth said something about a proper ramp and sure footing. And that the pig didn’t have either. I’m not sure.

Anyway, so that’s the end of that.

I’m a little sad. Not as sad as Seth. He had to take the little guy to the slaughter house while I was at work. I came home to a yard full of ruts and straw. And little piggie tracks all through the snow. The slaughterhouse people seemed kind and not crazy. I’m trying to get Seth to write a guest column.

But here’s the deal.

The pig was not reluctant to get into the trailer because he knew it would talk him to the market. I know because I’ve Googled “do pigs have feelings” and “how self-aware are swine,” etc. for several weeks now. Some would call it a result of the omnivore’s dilemma.

There are a few basic truths that have come from raising and now killing this pig. I’m sure more will follow when we actually eat him:

1. There is a huge disconnect between humans and the things they consume.
2. This is not good.
3. You need to be aware of (and okay with) all cruelty associated with the food you eat and the goods you buy. Otherwise you’re a good-for-nothing bastard. You probably enjoy a lot of things you don’t deserve.
4. Animals are not humans.
4a. Animals do not think like humans. Unless the human is autistic.
5. Animals are servants.
5a. some animals, like Maybel, serve us best by staying alive, looking hilarious and barfing on the carpet.
5b. others, like the pig, serve us best at Sunday Brunch.
6. Animals should not subjected to cruelty:
6a. When animals are frightened before they die, the meat does not taste as good. Therefore, it is beneficial for animal killers to keep their livestock calm and to make the exit painless.
7. Tests have shown that when one pig watches another pig being slaughtered, its heart rate does not increase, and its chemicals do not change. Unless the pig is Hannibal Lecter, this suggests it does not know what’s coming next.\

SO IN CONCLUSION,
Pigs: Hilarious when alive, delicious when dead.

So that’s what I’m thinking.
What have you learned?

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