dedicated to the memory of my friendship with miss wray

Welp, I trampled over a few souls on the way there, but I made it into the Daily Show taping set to air in T-minus 53 minutes.

First, let me start by saying that in order to attend, I stole a press pass from the rightful reporter. Her coverage area is Columbus. Mine is an inner-ring suburb. The only thing going for me was that I procrastinated for about 40 seconds less than her on a Tuesday. For this I will be judged. I’m glad the Lord wasn’t testing me, as I fear I ultimately may have done much worse.

First of all, because of some haphazard timing, I sat in the front row. Total prime stalker position. I sat right in the crack between the teleprompter cameras, meaning repeated eye contact with the television host was unavoidable.

I sat close enough to notice that his lips move along with the lines of his correspondents. Creepy. He conducts along enough to suggest he controls every detail at practice. and he also laughs the hardest out of anyone, but that might have just been the mic.

And second, I got to ask a question.

The instructions at the beginning of the show were clear. Jon likes to interact with his audience, they say, but please do not ask him to (she reads from a list) hug you, marry you, give you a high-five … and do not ask him for a lock of hair. (She said nothing, ladies, about impregnation.) (It’s for the species, people …I mean, if he doesn’t water the seed, some other schmo will…)

So there were a few rounds of q & a, and the people with the most political t-shirts were asking the worst questions.

“do you cover election fraud” and “can we go to Buckeye Doughnut after this” being examples of wasted opportunity for audience participation.

Facts worth mentioning are:
1. jon stewart’s kids were Super Nate and a baby kangaroo for Halloween.
2. his most difficult guest was Jimmy Carter, because he was totally wasted for the whole interview.
3. he will not wish your girlfriend happy birthday just so you can get laid later that night.
4. he doesn’t give two shits about Mary Jo Kilroy, but he appreciates the campaign ad with her friendly neighbors telling the audience “trust me, she’s great!”

While the show was winding down, and we were waiting for satellite hook-up for Mr. Stephen Colbert, he took a few more questions, and I got the last one.

I asked if he wouldn’t mind reenacting the death scene from The Faculty while we waited.

He spun around in his chair a bit and says “yeah, let me just do that for you really quick,” and then he hung his head and played with the pen for a moment.
“You mean the one where I stab the pencil into my eye?” he asks.
“That’s the one,” I say.
“Let me tell you something about movie magic,” he says, and proceeds with a story about baking soda, a toy army soldier and a balloon….he faded off when the producer informed him that unfortunately, there was no Steven Colbert this evening.

After the show, some kid in a corduroy jacket said “nice question.”

He still doesn’t trust us, but we might not be as easy to mock in public as he thought. We’re too nice. It makes him uneasy. We eat too much, and the “O-H” “I-O” thing was visibly irritating to him and his trainers.

I heard three crew members at the VIP tent say “no, we haven’t made it out to Easton yet.”

Stewart informed us that he ate at Martinis. A student suggested Buckeye Doughnut. Everyone hated that kid.

The best thing about Ohio?

The bathrooms are easily accessible from the studio.

But I’m pretty sure he’ll never call.

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