an open letter to knox county spiders

Dear Knox County Spiders:

We had a deal.

I let you roam inside my home for free. You stay out of sight.

Not only have you breached our contract and appeared frequently before my eyes, but you have entered Key Red Zones as identified in Article 7. First of all, the shower. Do you really think this is the best idea? Second, towels. I should not have to shake you out of my clean linens prior to use. And finally, and perhaps most offensive to our arrangement: the bed. I will not, under any circumstances, stand for an early morning greeting as such:

As usual, the county extension agents have suggested somewhat unsatisfactory procedures (Shake out clothing and shoes before getting dressed…Wear gloves when handling firewood, but be sure to inspect the gloves for spiders before putting them on…) so I will rely on the world wide web to broadcast my message. I will also use the words Knox County Spider Porn in my post so that you will be sure to get here via Google Search. Knox County’s Hottest Spiders. Dorsels to Die For. Spider Sacs Gone Wild, etc.

Also, your legs are the size of my fingers. It’s really getting ridiculous.

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  • Anonymous

    It could be worse … my old roomie Lindsay grew up in the sticks of Kentucky and they used to find scorpions (!) in their house, including once in their shoes! When they called the county extension, they were told there weren’t any scorpions in their neck of the woods. So, the next time they found one, they sent it (dead) to the offices, and which point the extension folks had to admit they were wrong. So what I’m saing is spiders=creepy (but at least get rid of the bugs), but scorpions=terrifying.


  • L-Jo

    how dare you trump me on my own turf. you’re supposed to save that for work.