Country Living: A Transformation of the Mind, Volume One — Pests.

Because every so often here at, we like to talk about our newly-acquired house. (sorry)

So my strategy thus far has been 187 on bees, spiders, ticks, mice, raccoons (accidentally) and anything else I can get my paws on. Whether in the shower, the car, the corner or the pantry, if you are a living creature weighing less than 10 pounds, I will kill you. Smashing is the most common form of destruction, although reports say vacuuming, washing down the drain, vehicular homicide and poisoning have led to untimely demise in the 6700 block of Possum Street.

As has been said, it’s a good thing Seth and I decided to move out into the country so I can rampage on everything within 50 feet of my house.

So, you people are wise. What do you think? Are we to live in harmony with these beings? Are we to accept the creepy crawlies as they wander through our home, eating from our pantry and hogging the remote? Or are we permitted to act out in such a violent way? We are technically living on their turf now. I know some of you have (unsuccessfully) consulted counsel to draft contracts with the bees, but what about non-compliance?

There is something romantic and Disney-like about taking the life of an animal or something and then slipping into the circle of life for a moment to send the animal’s spirit on to beastly heaven. Does anyone know what I’m talking about here? But instead I find myself reacting with pure hatred … with blood dripping from my hands and a curious bulldog waiting anxiously to eat the carcass.

This is first step towards being mentally capable of raising, loving, slaughtering and eating our first Possum Street steer, by the way.


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  • Bad Town

    Your anthropomorphism is part of the problem! It’s all instinct from those critters … just as it is your instinct to burn (the ticks) and squash (everything else).

  • Monsterbeard

    As I consider myself an expert on insect-human relations, I will “spill the beans.”

    First off, bees. Bees living within your home (ie, indoor, trapped in your loofa) are to be terminated on site, as they know their place is outdoors. Bees outside, unless they cause an immediate danger to you or your pets, should be told with a loud voice that a bee treaty is in effect and if they obey, no harm will come to them. Wasps, however, cannot be trusted and will surely strike at every opportunity.

    Spiders inside the home must be given the chance to leave. Again, with a loud voice, announce a 24 hour ceasefire during which time they must vacate the premises. If they fail to do so, they are to be terminated.

    Anything smaller should be terminated on site without hesitation or remorse. Anything larger and an attempt should be made to rid it through non-violent action, although these attempts are bypassed if the homeowner’s frustration level rises to combination-curse word level (you know what I mean).

    Any other questions should be answered with termination first. It is better to be safe than eggs laid in your ears.

  • PDawg

    Kill, young Teter, kill.
    The dark side of The Force is powerful.


    There is a reason we are the dominant species on this planet. It is our ability, through brains or brawn, to kill any other creature we may stumble upon (this is why we have omnivorous teeth). There is one vital reason for which you should kill those creatures that violate your own personal lair – because you can. If the tables were turned and they were bigger than you, they’d probably just eat you and lay eggs in your corpse.