A New Plan

Step one:

Receive copy of birth certificate in the mail.

Step two:

Replace stolen license, ss card, library card, etc. Drunkenly mourn free movie passes, $25 American Eagle gift certificate and just under $60 in Starbucks tips. Plead with maker that these things will be used for good and not evil. Curse the French, for good measure.

Step three:

Apply for an expediated passport.

Step four:

Spend one week in Costa Rica with the ‘rents.

Step five:

Find a journalism job in Ohio.

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