Mrs. Johnson and Mr. Klingler…please don’t read this.

Since I’m up, there is one more thing I need to tell you.

The other day at work I opened with Olivia. She is very nice and once lived in the Grand Canyon. Anyway, SBUX policy says “open the doors ten minutes before posted open hours.” We lock the doors ten minutes after official closing time, too. It’s all part of the never-ending “surprise and delight” you feel in any corporate-breathed Starbucks atmosphere.

Dusk. Two sleepy-eyed baristas shuffle into work. One unwraps morning pastries while the other arranges a stack of Sunday New York Times to make room for Monday’s edition. Outside, the spring rain pours down. Heavy.

Ten minutes before 6am. A young man, early thirties, in business attire, pounds on the door, mouthing “are you open yet?” to the baristas inside. The shift manager checks the clocks and unlocks the door, letting Handsome GQ in out of the pouring rain.

“You guys aren’t set up yet, I can come back.”

“No, it’s fine. We have coffee brewed. We can make anything you need.”

Long pause. Handsome GQ rubs his temples. The baristas notice that his black dress shirt and pants are soaked to the bone.

“Ok. Give me a minute.”

“Take your time.”

The baristas go back to unwrapping pastries, arranging newspapers, etc.

“You know, I don’t think i’m actually going to get anything.”

“Ok, it’s really no problem.”

“No, nevermind….Listen. You girls don’t want to see my cock do you?”

Both baristas, sleepy and disoriented, stare blankly at the man. One giggles, assuring the other that she must have misheard. The man stares back at them for a moment, and getting no response, walks out of Starbucks, crossing the street slowly in the rain.

The baristas meet briefly and confirm that yes, he totally just said what we thought he said. The baristas remain bewildered and frightened the rest of the day. At least, they concluded, he gave them the option. They later learn that this is not always the case.

Also, Sean alerted us that a “vagrant” was sleeping in front of our door last night. In front as in inside the house, one door away from our sleeping bodies. Scary, huh?
Seriously though I love Columbus.

No related posts.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.
  • colleen

    that story is pee my pants funny! oh how the baristas here in akron will get a kick out of it.

  • Mae

    That Sean…he should know what I look like by now. And just because I work at Starbucks doesn’t make me a vagrant. Can’t a girl get out of the cold once in a while without somebody getting in a full-fledged tizzy?

  • cat.

    this story makes me miss columbus, in a couple of ways. it does not make me miss the serial rapist that targeted our block for a few months my last year, nor does it make me miss the gigantic cockroaches leftover from the uranium spill in…er….my basement? but it does make me miss a thousand thousand other, better things. if i go down there again someday, i’ll know where to get some coffee. and a peep show.