IT is almost April, which means that it will soon be May, otherwise known as the month I meet Jon Stewart.
I have had several recurring dreams about this moment. I am just waking up from one now. We are usually in a classroom of some sort after his show, and he usually thinks I am a giant asshole.
I ask him to sign my book “To Lyndsey, heart Professor Eddie Furlong.” He doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t get it.
or I tell him I don’t have basic cable and ask him if there is anything he can do. He then stars blankly for the cruelest second in history, and then says, “what? do you want it or something? I can’t do anything about that.”
or I forget my book and he has to wait while I dig through everything in the room to find it.
I am seriously SO WEIRDLY obsessed with this guy. And more particularly, the possible moment I could be face-to-face with him in real life. It’s totally strange. I love him so much that i’m afraid I might do something weird or crazy that would scar or maim us both for life. Like Lenny with his soft soft puppy in the barn. Or worse, I’ll do something totally mediocre that will leave me cringing alone the rest of my earthly days.
Either way, I know I won’t be able to watch the hilarious comedy of the Daily Show ever again without breaking down into tears over what I’ve done.
In this last dream though, I did make everyone in the “audience” laugh because I made a very Stewart-like gesture. I think he chuckled. It was the warmest, most welcoming feeling in the world.
But here’s the thing. I have seen Stewart on TV, and I have seen him laugh at Paula Abdul. If he can fake it for her, then he can fake it for me. All i want is for one split second to be funny to the most funniest man on television! But i’ll have to be quick. We’ll most likely be in some sort of book-signing situation. Anybody got any clever one-liners I could zing to get a chuckle out of him? I’m not too proud to steal, that’s for damn sure. Help a desperate woman out!
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